Memento Vivere

Daydream

I lay, staring at the ceiling in the darkness of my bedroom, dreaming with my eyes half open. I can't stop thinking about...her.

I went to bed what feels like hours ago, but my mind just won't stop racing. I shift and turn over so that I'm laying on my right side. I look at the alarm clock on the other side of the room; it reads 11:11. I sigh and close my eyes while I continue to dream.

What does she look like? I wonder. I begin to imagine a girl around my age. I only see the silhouette of her, but I can at least make out that she has long, wavy hair and a somewhat masculine figure. I sigh again, and think about the family we could have; three kids total, I think. One adopted, two biological. I get the feeling we'd live in a suburban area, with a park nearby that the kids could play at when they are young. Our house would be warm and welcoming, always filled with the sweet scent of something baking. It'd be full of laughter and screams of joy, with love radiating from every picture, every crevice and corner.

My parents would, of course, be present. They'd come and visit and give our kids gifts, while helping us and supporting us emotionally, financially, and logistically, if we needed it. I hope her family would do the same.

She and I would be like glue. We'd go exploring the big cities nearby on date nights, seeing where the night could take us. Some nights, we'd play video games, being extremely competitive with one another. We'd watch movies in the living room with the lights off and the volume not too loud, to not wake up the kids.

I sigh again, knowing of course that this reality probably wasn't to be but nevertheless allowing myself to hope.

Such a foolish thing, hope. Hope only leads to heartbreak, in my experience. I opened my heart up to a different girl once...and I'm not sure I'll ever be worthy of someone's time and energy like that, anyway...

Stop.

Although my brain is tired, I can't help but feel surprised by the sudden voice in my head. A voice that isn't mine.

A silhouette begins to appear behind my eyelids, outlined by the light shining behind them. I see the girl I had been picturing in my daydream, with the long hair and muscular build...but I can see a bit more of her now. Her almond eyes are a dark color; brown, most likely. She has a heart-shaped face with a simple v-neck t-shirt and blue jeans, with black Converse. She is looking at me, directly making eye contact with me. From what I can make out, the expression on her face almost looks like...anger?

You are worthy of love.

She speaks without moving her lips, but she does get closer, and I can see more details of her face. Her nose is slim, almost triangle shaped, but with a soft edge to it. Her lips are rounded and full, and the hair falling across her face as she moves is a dark and rich brown color. I can see now that she is not angry, but rather...she has a determined look on her face. As if her goal was to accomplish whatever was occurring. I avert my eyes, not believing the words she had previously spoken.

Look at me.

She takes her hands and gently guides my face back to look at hers. I make eye contact again...this time, tearing up. I close my eyes hard.

"But it isn't true! I'll never find anyone who loves me."

She begins to wipe the tears that are falling from my face, and I open my eyes and look at her again. Her expression has softened so that she now looks somewhat disheartened.

That isn't true, and you know it.

Just because we haven't found each other yet doesn't mean that we never will.

And just because one person broke your heart doesn't mean you aren't worthy of love.

She puts her forehead on mine and closes her eyes. I do the same.

You're more special than you even realize.

Have hope, and trust me.

I will find you.

...

She backs away from me, and I can see that she is beginning to fade out of view. I can feel my focus on her failing as the vision ends and as I am about to fall asleep, I hear one last message:

I love you.