I'm empathetic if I know the story behind how you feel I can relate but if how you feel is about something I've done I'll get angry about it like I'm sorry I'm trying my best usually pointed twords the people who made me feel like they didn't have time for my emotions when I was a kid; I've come to notice with my grandparents. Recently they want to tell me how they feel and how I'm not doing enough all the time, when I'm trying to heal from my own trauma; sometimes my mind goes into maybe I should go back to Charley instead at least I'd have a good portion of the day I'm not thinking about what others are thinking since he was gone until the end of the day. I didn't have to deal with him as often as everyone here. It feels like a mental asylum here some days everyone struggles with mental illness and I feel like I'm a slave to my grandparents for being stuck living with them for the time being. I felt like that even since I was a kid always having to do the chores always feeling like I wasn't doing enough wasn't enough and that my emotions were an issue. Having family meetings about how everyone else feels like over whelmed and stuff and looking at me to do more while when I say I'm doing all I can. Made to look like I'm not doing anything and just being a burden that's all I've ever felt my grandparents make my mom feel the same always always felt the need to stand up for her too that shouldn't have been my job. I constantly feel like my kids are a burden to my grandparents too and I want out before they can have that impact them like it has me. I at least felt chosen with Charley he didn't like me really I get now but at least he'd hold me kiss me and tell me he loved me and fake affection instead of just avoid people or get irritated at them like my family a lot of the time. I just want to feel accepted by someone else because I accept me for who I am I accept my kids and I just want someone we could be free to express ourselves with no judgement and punishment. I hate feeling all the pressure of others that's why I self isolate so much I can't handle other people especially if they can't find time to handle me. I feel like a plant with a plastic case over it trying to grow but trapped in a tight space. I want someone to accept me to hold me tight and never let go I want to have a best friend who takes me everywhere we always have a great time and I can be my whole self around. I don't want to feel like I have to be perfect anymore. My family doesn't understand how I ever stayed as long as I did with Charley my grandma even says I never let anyone treat me like that but it's obvious to me he emotionally didn't make me feel any different than my grandfather did just a burden check but at least with Charley at least sometimes I was worth something. My grandfather may have never hit me but he also has never made me feel accepted even for a minute it's always been like a distant loving I guess when it came to grandma and grandpa and my parents always just made me feel like they cared but they couldn't change anything I cried out to them for help so many times and even came up with plans with my old therapist to get us out the house more so I could feel less alone but everytime it was like they felt just as controlled as me and didn't want to push their boundaries. I always felt like they could do more if they could've just got their own place for me and my sister and them then things could be better. My grandparents think I'm greedy for wanting more when they'd buy me game systems and movies and everything not to mention Charley took it all everything I ever got instead of the love and acceptance I desperately craved it feels like I lost my whole childhood loosing all my personal possessions. It's like I can't really start over the memories and everything are attached to the material possessions I own. I remember when my mom first lost her job and my grandparents wouldn't buy us anything I would walk around with holes in my pants and get made fun of. I noticed growing up the things they said they couldn't get me they got my sister last year book I got was 4th grade I never got to try out for the soccer team or do gymnastics like my cousin so many things I wanted were out of my reach. I just want to provide for my self be myself and receive appreciation and love and acceptance for who I am if I dyed my hair how I want dressed how I want and acted how I did before reality hit I'd be happy. I couldn't get a job dressing me anime clothes and dyed hair no job. Can't be the outgoing girl with mental illness holding me down. I've always related my life to a ladder with missing steps or steps I'd have to jump to grasp but if you miss who knows how far you'll fall so it's hard to take the next step. I've related to relationships the same way but as a bridge broken connection burnt bridge, rocky relationship worn steps randomly falling through or even bridges that go on so long how could you ever make it to the other side. I've wrote poems about me being a bird in my cage door open afraid to leave because of things the owner told me relating to my parents making me afraid of the outside world when I'd want to go out like other kids. And then again when I got with Charley had another cage that one making me feel afraid of what would happen if I tried to leave the cage with someone intentionally leaving it open to lie in wait for the chase. I've always related to the song by sleeping with sirens better off dead just because the line about when all you got it these four walls it's not hard to feel so small and all she wanted was to be enough what doesn't it take maybe it's not to late how come no one heard her when she said maybe I'm better off dead reminding me of when I first searhed out therapy afraid of my own thoughts trying to find the answer within myself. I wrote a poem about a caterpillar turning to a butterfly relating to growing up looking to yourself for change but having the pupa stage relate to depression self isolation the need to break free eventually and also relating to how some caterpillars die in the pupa not having enough strength to break free like someone depressed not being able to break free from their sad thoughts and commiting suicide but I did end it happily saying that part was a stage we all go through and making it out more beautiful than ever. I've always thought introspectively and sometimes I wish I could send my thoughts to others or straight to CD because of how much I forget before I can write it down I can't really remember on command or think hard on command so therapy on certain days is hard I can't just think and say that's why I would always text my friend she would always read and respond with out always wanting to solve the problem she would always complement my metaphors but even she has been too busy lately to get back to me and I feel like that's always been the case with everyone I met so I never made the effort thinking what's the point maybe they will text me when they can I'll just wait. My relationship ship with my kids father started out bad I was in college grades started to go downhill spending time getting drunk with him at 19. Thought I loved him since I was 15 tried to start a life with him still felt like I wasn't enough and proved it from the beginning about a week to delivery of our first born he got mad about me needing help moving around and grabbed my trapt in front of his friends, kicked me in the stomach when his friends fought to protect me, got arrested when they called the police I was convinced that maybe because he was drunk he didn't mean it I texted him when he got out of jail did everything to drop the charges and no contact we had our son things were alright for a while but eventually he would lay his hands on me again we had many physical fights where I'd call the cops and end up sending them off pretending it was all fine eventually again sometime in my pregnancy with my second born he got mad pushed me across a bathroom I fell hit my stomach on the tub and had my head fall in water I really thought he was going to hold my head underwater and once again he would hold me and try to get me to calm down after doing something traumatic I'd have to force myself to stop crying and calm to de escalate the situation. Eventually I stayed a week in a domestic violence shelter blocking him on everything just for him to make an insta and get jealous about other girls wanting him ended up hitching a ride out with his sister with him in the back seat where I moved everything back into his house where they'd eventually be left for good during a night I barely got out with my purse and all our identification. That was the one time I was glad I had prior lost contact to my kids if my family didn't have them he would still have them too. On March 2021 he called me on my way home from the store to help him out getting his car tag renewed so he could go back to work it was "costing us money him being there not work" I had to help him pay a toll and then bring in a receipt I was in a rush and he agreed it would only take a second leave them in the car so I brought the receipt in. Thinking back now I should've left and went to get my stuff from his house another day but that isn't how it worked out I went to jail spent 7-8 months away from my kids per no contact order. A week or two before the last court date before my pre trial intervention papers I had to leave since he had threatened in a prior fight to kill me if I left him and he got fucked up and broke a few things in the night I knew he would blame on me I really felt like if I didn't leave he could've killed me then. I've had to be smart about how to hide my phone in fights for emergency text for help the perfect time to send it without him noticing how to get a video without him noticing when the right time to run out was I got to the point when I knew when my chances were and I don't have time to grab anything I had times I had to drive with my son in my lap before my daughter was born until I could get far enough and somewhere he wouldn't look before I could strap him in his car seat or call for help. I feel like I survived for two years I felt like the police would only make it worse when it got to a certain point when I realized my reality of what I was living I felt stuck in a loop until my walk in the dark at 3% phone battery moon as my only light scared out of my mind in the woods. Ducking into ditches and bushes on the side of the road every time I seen headlights trying to make it to the campground close by thinking if anyone someone there would be up willing to let me use their phone after mine died I called my family but had no way to reach them until I made it to the store near the campground and was sure I seen them going to leave I walked out in the road and waved my arms and thank God it was them and they turned around and got me there's been a few times I've wanted to call him or text him and let him see the kids but I don't want the feelings to come back for him I don't want him to have the chance to hurt any of us again. I just wish the part of him I cared for actually existed and wasn't just a act of who I wanted him to be. I really want love but I'm afraid it'll be really hard to let anyone in again. I just want to be happy. Best advice I have it trust the first red flags not really worth the price of getting trauma bonded to a narcissist it's really hard to break. All the promises that it was an accident they love you they will never do it again they will make it up to you it's all lies they know what they are doing pretty much was told that and still didn't believe it until after I broke the trauma bond. I remembered about him telling me he was saying 2 different things to DCF and meridian about what his problem and denying to the other saying he didn't have the problem he told the other and when he told me he was acting the worst he could for the drug and alcohol people so he could slowly act better for them and make them feel like they were helping him get better. Basically so he didn't actually have to and it kinda proved to me he knows right and wrong he just doesn't care and he will fake what he has to to get what he wants. For months I still didn't believe it. I was watching a whole bunch of narcissistic abuse videos and domestic violence videos on tik tok before something inside me woke up and started looking for a way out a way to break the connection. I'd like to say I feel amazing free but I'm still finding my way. I'd feel a lot better if I could get by without relying on someone else and had friends in my life I seen all the time. Growing up I always lived in my own imagination being friends with the fictional characters in shows thinking about the same thing all the time relating one show to another one character to another anything to feel less alone. Let's be honest I'm still like that and at least I know its all fake I wish real people would take their place in my head. I learned all I know about people from TV shows and movies. People like Naruto taught me everyone can be saved. I looked for my love in people like Gaara who I feel like got wronged by the people around them the people who need "saving" I always want to be the helping hand the one there but I'm afraid to reach out to people with a fear of rejection or backlash. I just want to help people without giving all I have for nothing in return but loneliness when I have nothing else to give.
