Noelle had never had good or even decent control of her magic power. That's something everyone knew, her family especially.
For years the weight of her incompetence had shackled her down and kept her drowning in a sea full of debts, guilt and shame.
It came so naturally for everyone else but never for her.
And for so long she could never understand why.
But then after she met the Black Bulls she was given some semblance of an answer.
She was trying too hard to keep her magic power from swelling and exceeding her control.
If she let it loose.
Let it run wild then her problems in combat would cease.
And it worked.
Worked for quite some time actually.
For the first time in all her life she had been able to manipulate and control her mana with nothing but her will and the acceptance of not holding back.
She never needed to worry about hurting anyone either.
Because of Asta.
He had sworn that he would stop her magic from going haywire and use his own anti magic to tear apart her spells before they could get out of control.
And again it worked.
The moment the boy noticed her struggling or saw that the endless waves of water were straying too close to allies; or even threatening to swell the caster herself whole he would intervene.
So how did this happen?
How had their perfectly constructed plan and routine built on mutual interest and trust fall apart like this?
She doesn't remember much.
Just that she let go once again.
Let her magic swell out of her body and swarm her enemies, drowning them out like rats.
She could never see much of anything when her powers got like this. Currents to strong and always whipping up dirt and debris visibility was always a minimum.
That's why she depended on Asta.
To keep her from accidentally swallowing up an ally with her foes.
Everything was fine and everything was normal.
Until she felt cold hands wrap around her waist.
How someone had managed to infiltrate the cypher of water and navigate through the currents was beyond her.
Her first thought was panic.
In order to get her foe to release her she commanded her waves to pick up the pace, to strengthen their force and to literally was her opponent away.
Yet they persisted.
Clinging on even tighter and almost desperately.
She didn't know many people who were strong enough to withstand the full force of her magic power.
It is with that thought that she twisted her body to try and see the face of the one who grabbed her.
Asta.
It was Asta.
Hands wrapped around her waist and clinging to her desperately. Eyes pinched shut and jaw clenched as if willing himself not to breathe.
She could only stare in shock for a moment.
Why was he here? Without his grimoire? Without his swords? Without his anti magic?
How was he here? He can't swim and he certainly isn't in his dark form.
As these thoughts race through her mind Asta's battle of will ends and his jaw opens in involuntary reflexes to breathe .
She watches helplessly as he inhales water- her water.
His grip goes slack.
And he lets go.
Noelle's magic stops.
Her spell shatters and becomes rain as the descend to the ground. As they fall she is able to catch glimpses of the destruction her mana has caused.
She isn't worried about that right now.
Noelle is able to catch herself as she lands on her hands and knees breathing heavily.
But Asta does not.
He landed first by mere moments- on his back with a sickening thump .
And unlike Noelle who gasps and breathes for precious oxygen Asta lies completely still.
Noelle coughs and chokes a few more times, hand to her throat as her eyes turn to her friend.
He is limp and unmoving and from here she can't tell if his chest is rising at all.
"Asta!" She chokes, scrambling on hands and knees to be at his side.
He doesn't respond. His face remains slack and motionless as if sleeping.
When Noelle reaches him she grabs his forearm- ignoring how his clothes are drenched and shakes.
"Asta! Asta, wake up!" His body moves with resistance beneath her and it makes her stomach twist violently.
"No," she breathes through her panic "no,no,no!" She sprawls herself over his chest and leans her head down by his lips, waiting for his breathing to ghost her ear.
Nothing.
"Asta!" She all but screams "no,no,no what did I do?!"
There's a way to start up his lungs again she knows there is but she doesn't know it. She had never bothered to learn because if anyone was going to drown it was supposed to be her .
"What do I do?" She asks no one before her hands reach for her friends still face "I need you to tell me what to do!"
He doesn't answer, because of course he can't. If he can't breathe then he can't talk. It's simple logic.
But her brain is not thinking logically right now.
"Asta!" It's half a shout half a sob "please I don't know what to do!"
Her hands are shaking, her whole body is shaking, but she still can't get her mind to work. Can't make herself take action.
"Noelle!" Someone shouts her name but she doesn't hear, doesn't even register that other people are here.
Not until someone grabs her shoulder.
And pries her away from Asta.
"NO!" She cries hands clawing at the person pulling her back "no please! Asta!"
Her vision is getting blurry and her eyes are stinging.
"Noelle!" The voice from earlier says again "Noelle listen to me stop!"
Someone else is here-someone who kneels beside Asta and begins to inspects his condition.
"Don't hurt him!" She wails as if it wasn't her magic that did this to him in the first place "please don't hurt him!"
She doubles over, there's an arm wrapped around her waist that keeps her partially up right but right now she just wants to curl into a ball and disappear.
She screams and sobs and claws at the earth.
"This is all my fault!"
The person from before yanks her up and pulls them against her chest.
"Noelle, you need to calm down okay? You need to breathe."
How could she worry about her breathing when Asta isn't.
"He's dead!" she wails "It's my fault! I killed him!"
"Hey, hey look at me." The arms around her unfurl and quickly move to cup her face. They tear them away from the nightmare in front of her and force her to look at who's been holding her.
"Vanessa?" She sniffs.
"There we go," the witch offers a kind smile. "That's it, calm down."
"Asta-"
"He's going to be okay, look Captain Yami and Finral are here. They're helping him."
She gently guides Noelle's gaze back over to where she'd last seen Asta and this time she's able to recognize her captain performing chest compressions on Asta.
"Once they get him breathing he'll be as good as new." Vanessa pulls her into a hug "and me and Rouge won't let anything bad happen I promise."
If it were anyone else Noelle isn't sure if she'd believe them.
But this is Vanessa.
Vanessa changed fate and faced her past all so they could have a chance at healing Asta's curse.
She knows she isn't lying.
So she rests her head against the older mage's shoulder and weeps.
Weeps about how sorry she is, about how it was an accident and that she didn't mean too.
Vanessa sushes her and runs a soothing hand through her hair.
She isn't sure what happened next after that.
Mainly because exhaustion from the sheer amount of mana she had exerted and the emotional turmoil she has been feeling has taken its toll and now that she knows that Asta is safe she can no longer fight it.
She drifts off into darkness.
xXx
The image of Asta taking that breath underneath her waters haunts her through restless sleep.
It plays on repeat, followed by her finding his body.
She never finds him- It's always his body she finds.
Nothing remaining but a lifeless corpse.
And she is the cause of it.
She killed her own mother and now she has killed her best friend too.
When she is granted mercy and her body has finally recovered enough to awaken from her nightmares she isn't sure what's real and what isn't.
She doesn't know Asta's fate.
And that overwhelming fear is enough to push her out of bed, exhausted and forgotten.
She doesn't get far.
She runs straight into Vanessa and Charmy.
They were about to enter her room- sheep cooks lined behind them carrying some kind of soup.
"Noelle," Vanessa smiles at her "You're awake-"
"Asta is he-"
"He's alive." Vanessa answers and Noelle feels several pounds lifted off her shoulder "and he's recovering, nothing for you to worry about."
The witch grabs Noelle by the shoulder and begins to guide her back to bed. Mindlessly Noelle allows her to.
"He's really okay?"
"Yup! Still sleep but that's to be expected."
Noelle settles on the edge of the bed, mind trying to put the puzzle pieces together.
"What happened?" She asks desperately "I don't understand....how did this...how did I-"
"Well your magic started to become overwhelming. I'm sure you know that much and during all the chaos beforehand Asta somehow managed to lose his grimoire."
"What?" Noelle looks at her horrified.
Asta is strong but he is vulnerable without his grimoire. There's only so much hand to hand combat can do when you're up against mages with overwhelming magic.
Vanessa shrugs "don't know how he managed that. Going to need to ask him when he wakes up-" she chuckles and the sound disturbs Noelle-how can she laugh when things are this grim? "Captain Yami has one hell of a speech prepared. I'll tell you that. Pretty sure the captain is just gonna glue his grimoire into his hands after this."
Noelle just looks at her blankly.
"So you found it? His grimoire I mean?"
"Hm? Oh yeah after we made sure he was stable we went out looking for it. With a little help from Nero we were able to find it without too much trouble."
Noelle is silent, gaze falling on her hands.
"If he didn't have his grimoire then how-"
"How'd he end up in the middle of your mana pool?"
She nods.
"He jumped in after you."
Noelle feels her heart drop to the pit of her stomach.
"But-why would he do that?! Without out his swords he couldn't-"
"I know, I know, we tried screaming that at him before he plunged in. Reminding him he couldn't swim didn't help either...he saw the way your magic was getting and knew if it kept going you'd drown. He didn't want to let that happen."
"I-why wouldn't he get his grimoire first?!"
"Wasn't time too...as much as he scared us all Asta made the right call. He got you to come to your senses and stop the spell before it could swallow you whole...I don't think the rest of us could have done that."
"It nearly killed him."
"What hasn't?" Vanessa laughs "what matters is that it all worked out."
No.
That is not all that matters.
What matters is the fact that she almost murdered her best friend.
How was anyone supposed to be okay with that?
"Enough moping!" Charmy shouts "I made you some super yummy soup to make you feel better!"
...
"Thanks."
She takes the bowl from her comrades and hands and numbly thinks how is this supposed to make her feel better.
"Try not to stress Noelle, everything is fine."
She looks down at the bowl of soup in her hands and stares at her reflection.
"Yeah...you're right."
xXx
Things are normal again.
For the most part.
As expected Asta had bounced back quickly. Upon awakening his first course of action was to ensure Noelle was okay-which only made her stomach twist with guilt- before inquiring when he'd be able to train again.
That was a week ago and Noelle has been avoiding him like the plague.
She couldn't bring herself to visit him when he was unconscious and in bed. Couldn't bring herself to acknowledge that he was there because of her .
He of course talks to her like everything is normal. Like she hadn't nearly killed him.
She replies with short answers before excusing herself every single time.
She isn't sure how much more of this she can get away with. She knows Asta is smarter than she gives him credit for especially when it comes to emotions (not to mention his ability to read ki) so she knows it's only a matter of time he confronts her.
And she just doesn't know what she'd say.
That she has nightmares of her drowning him every single night? That everytime she looks at him the image of him taking that fruitless gasp for breath haunts her memories? That she can't even look in the mirror without thinking that she is looking into the eyes of the would be murderer the only person who had ever done right by her since she met him?
She can't tell him that because she knows Asta and she knows he will try to make things better.
And that's what she is afraid of.
If she gets pulled back into that false sense of security that everything is fine and that she doesn't need to worry about holding back her mana then she might repeat this.
And they might not get so lucky next time.
So for now she ignores him.
He gives her space and she appreciates that but she still catches the glimpses of hurt in his eyes everytime she runs off.
This is killing her.
She feels horrible but she can't let herself fix it. Can't let herself forget.
She needs to remember.
She needs to protect him.
Then of course Captain Yami declares that Asta needs to learn how to swim. He explains that they can't have a repeat of current events and that someone isn't always going to bail him out if he gets chucked into the ocean.
It makes perfect sense.
It's a good idea.
But the idea of Asta being near water again makes her blood run cold and her hair stand on end.
So when they go down to a near by lake she goes with the rest of the Bulls who tag along for moral support.
It's just swimming lessons.
Everything will be fine.
He won't be drowning.
But it turns out Captain Yami's version of swimming lessons is just chucking you into the water and hoping you come back up.
Logically she knows that if anything went wrong then of course Captain Yami would step in. Logically she knows that Asta is perfectly safe and in a controlled environment with supervision.
But when she sees him flail in that water all logical thoughts go out the window.
She's in the lake before she even realizes it.
Asta is panicking because of course he is.
He nearly drowned a week ago, why would anyone think he'd be okay with being thrown straight into the deep end?
Without thinking she grabs him by the waist and pulls him up.
He takes a big reassuring gulp of air.
Everyone is looking at them.
Asta coughs once before smiling at her "man Noelle you're strong!"
She blinks at him "You're okay?"
"Yeah...thank you."
She can only nod mutely before carefully wading them back to shore.
"I wasn't going to let him drown!" Yami calls from the bank.
"I...I know."
Because she does.
She knows Captain Yami would never let anything bad happen to them but she couldn't stop herself.
She just couldn't.
Once they reach shore they're assisted back up by the others.
"Try not to panic next time kid."
"Yes sir!"
"I have to go...Good luck with your lessons Asta."
She leaves without another word.
No one follows.
xXx
Noelle does not want to sleep.
The moment she closes her eyes she knows what she will see.
And after today with Asta being thrown into the lake she doesn't want to imagine what her brain will do with the new memories.
So she sits outside in the cooling night air and tries to find peace.
"Hey."
She jumps at the sound of someone's voice.
It's late and she didn't think anyone would be awake.
And of course it's him.
"Hey," she offers back.
Asta wrings his hands together and chews at his lip nervously.
"Can't sleep?"
She scuffs.
"...me either."
She takes a moment to cast a quick glimpse at him and quickly looks away.
Still too much guilt to meet his eyes.
"Can I...sit here?" He asks gently, kicking the spot beside her with his foot.
She's too tired to think of an excuse.
"Sure."
Neither says anything and he settles on the ground what to her. For a moment all is still.
Surprisingly it's her who finds her voice first.
"How'd your lessons go?"
Asta winces.
"Not great...too much all at once...didn't really get anywhere."
"Sorry I," she gestures her hand vaguely "interfered before."
"Don't be," Asta sighs leaning back "if I'm being honest I appreciated it. I didn't not like being thrown in like that...brought up bad memories."
Noelle can't stop the grimace of guilt from washing over her face. She pulls her knees closer to herself and rests her chin there.
"I'm sorry."
She owes him that much.
"What? Why are you-" something lights his eyes "oh! No-no not that. Older memories from Hage...not good ones."
That gets her to look over at him "what do you mean?"
He shrugs and looks away "I um...rather not talk about it. I'll tell you someday but after today I just..."
"Are you okay?"
It's a question she hasn't asked him she realizes.
After everything and after so much fretting about his wellbeing...she never actually asked him.
"Me? Yeah I'm," he pauses "I'm okay. Be doing better with a different swim coach I think...not that I'm ungrateful I just...Yami teaches in a very...Yami way."
"What about everything else?"
For the first time in a week they make eye contact.
"You mean the mission?"
She swallows thickly and nods.
"It was...scary but not for the reasons you're thinking I'm guessing."
"What other reasons are there?"
"I thought-" he starts but stops himself, sighing in frustration as if unable to get his words together "when I saw what was happening to you and I didn't have my grimoire...I was so scared ."
Noelle closes her eyes "I'm sorry I put you through that."
"You're missing the point."
She looks up in surprise "huh?"
"I wasn't scared because I didn't have my grimoires or that I had to go into the mana pool. I was scared because I thought I was going to be too late. That I wouldn't be able to reach in time and that you'd drown."
"You were worried about me drowning?"
He laughs bitterly "silly considering the turn things took but yes. I thought I was going to lose you and it terrified me."
"Oh."
He looks away and rubs the back of his neck.
"I can understand what that's like..." she starts without really meaning to "when I first saw you after we got out of all...that...I thought...I really thought I killed you."
"Noelle-"
"I nearly did." She meets his eyes again "I nearly killed you. How are you okay with that?"
"It was an accident Noelle, I don't blame you."
"That accident could have cost you your life! Your dream! Everything!"
She pulls at her hair.
"I can't stop thinking about it."
...
It is silent for a long while.
Noelle bites at her lip and continues to tug at her silver locks willing her horrid and nightmare induced thoughts to leave her. Asta is sitting right next to her. Why is the corpse from her nightmares still haunting her?!
She nearly jumps out of her skin when she feels warm hand grab hers.
"Stop that." Asta speaks lowly as he gently untangles her hands from her hair.
"Why don't you hate me?" The question spills from her throat before she can think.
"What!?" Asta looks genuinely surprised "hate you? Noelle no I could never-"
"Well you should!" She sniffs "after what I did you should!"
...
"Do you remember the forest of witches?"
She looks at him confused "how can I now?"
"Then you remember the Witch Queen took over me right?"
She blinks slowly at him "what about it?"
"I tried to kill you...I would have if Vanessa wasn't there," he squeezes her hands which he still holds "that memory has haunted me for so long and I...it scares me...I can't stand thinking about how I couldn't fight her off. That I wasn't strong enough to resist."
"That wasn't your fault."
He smiles bitterly "still happened though."
"But that was out of your control!"
"So was what happened a week ago for you. Why is this any different? How can you blame yourself for what you did but not me for what I've done?"
Noelle digs her nails into his palms unintentionally "I just- it's different you were being controlled."
"I lost control of my body and you lost control of your mana," he links their hands together "we're the same."
For some reason.
Those last three words make her cry.
Instead of panicking or fretting over her Asta just pulls her in close and lets her weep.
He holds her against his chest and gently removes one his hands from hers to place on the back of her head.
She can hear his heart beat in this position.
"I know things don't feel like it right now."
Asta starts carefully.
"But everything will be okay."
She had been told that things were okay repeatedly for a week now by everyone around her. It's that one change in the sentence, that one word that turns her cries into sobs.
Will .
Things will be okay, they aren't okay now but they will be eventually.
And for the first time in seven days.
She believes in those words.
A/N: Busting out my Noelle centric fics for Noellevember for my bestie on twitter 🤪🤪 doubt ill be able to post every single day but I'll give it my best shot lol
Curses is coming I promise!
