As I lay in my bed all I can think of is her. How she stole my heart then broke it with no mercy. She left me not just in the relationship, but she left my entire life, why? I know I'm not perfect but I loved her. As the sky grows darker so does my heart. The nice Andrew everyone knows rests for the night and leaves a bitter, lonely depressed Andrew to fill in. I just don't understand how I can still love her when I have all this hate. I never want to see her again, but I would do anything to have her back, why? She was my first true love, this is not easy for me. Is it ever easy? My guess is no. Love is a emotion that I find very hard to comprehend. I can't sleep and when I do its only for a few hours. When I sleep shes in eighty percent of my dreams. Most of those dreams are the same. They always starts with my heart filled with love and end with my eyes full of tears. I want to move on, I do, I don't know why I do this to myself. Xanax at night helps me get to sleep around two to three A.M. otherwise I am up all night. When I lay in bed every night the first thing I do is hear my heart beat. I determine how fast its beating then take the amount of xanax necessary. Lexapro is supposed to keep my anxiety at bay. Unfortunately when it comes to her theres no hope. I pray that I'll get through this, but every night it gets a little bit worse. I tried venting it helps some too. I try to limit it because I know times are hard these days. In the day I can keep occupied. I go to work, go to school, see friends and help them through their problems because it keeps my mind off mine. I love my friends. They are always here for me when I need them most, I never talk to them when I need them most. This is because I need them most at night. I have too much respect for the good sleep I miss so much to bother them with my feelings. Maybe its just the anxiety winning. I've lost a lot of control over my emotions after she left. I don't blame her for this. I know she made the decision that was best for her. It just sucks that the decision also ran me into rock bottom. At least thats what I thought, but things have only been getting worse. Due to my lack of sleep my school work is slipping along with my work performance. I just have no confidence anymore. Its pretty pathetic honestly, I feel like I think way to much about myself. I have friends that need me, if only they needed me at night when I am in bed writing. It's 1:37 A.M. and I am tired, but if I close this laptop I will not sleep. My mind will be to caught up on how I didn't finish yet another piece of writing. All I can do is pray for things to get better, for me to get better, so I can focus on my friends.
