The one who take pictures

where am I supposed to start

So as far as I can remember, I've always enjoyed taking pictures, my parents bought me a camera when i was really young like maybe 6? So this is where the story start.

You know every kids have their silly little passion and photo was mine, yes they were bad i can't lie but hey i was young lmao. Little did i knew what will happen next

I think i started taking picture of my friends in middle school, pretty innocent I know, but i realised years after years that I was the one that everyone asked for the photos i took after a party or just going out, never the one that were in the pic. But I've never really thought anything about it . At this time I was really insecure and so in the rare pictures I was in, i finded myself ugly and it didnt help at all.

I slowly started to take more candid of my friends and as i wanted to make sure they dont feel insecure as I was, i was keeping the best ones and sent  them, most of the time they would post it on social medias. I was kind of happy that I helped them gain confidence, but appart from that I was still the ghost, that friend behind every group photo that therefore was never in. I wanted to start taking some self portraits, i've then discovered i wasnt photogenic at all (ofc some pics looked good but that was all). 

I'm now in senior year  and i think its a thing that still hurt me a lot. Since my photos are getting better i still enjoy doing this with my friends, recently i've been to a party and we were walking during a sunset, i thought it was beautiful and taked a pic of my friends, i showed them and most of them maked it their homescreen, useless to precise that i wasnt in that pic because i taked it. It might sound self-centered but it kind of affect me, I would love to have some pic like this taken of me, i mean even if im not photogenic, pictures from the back are still welcome you know? But yeah I'm still the ghost behing the photo.

The funny thing abt this is that when I'm in one, i hate myself most of the time because i've never been used to it, moreover i hate asking for a picture of myself, even if someone ask me if i want one i denie it because i feel like im not pretty enough to be taken in photo and that it would annoy the person to do it, or because i would feel egocentric. And i also dont want to tell my friends about it because i dont want them to think that im asking for attention.

The thing is that i usually take pics when i think that the landscape look good, that im having fun or that i think my friends are pretty, so if they dont do this for me maybe i'm not enough ?

I know not everyone have the same way of thinking and that i might actually be wrong for thinking this but maybe it goes with self confidence?