Dark Beauty

Dark Beauty pt. 4

It all starts with a trigger. Sometimes it's my parents or my sister. Sometimes it's some kid at school who said something unusually mean. Sometimes it just happens.

Friday

The pain is searing. I feel like I'm being jabbed in the stomach over and over again. It comes quick like the slash of a blade. I can't feel it retreat though, I either feel it coming or I don't feel it at all. When it stops for a few minutes that is when I know that it is finally over. My heart feels like someone has it in a clenched fist, as it tightens. My breath comes in short, quick gasps. My lungs feel tight and it hurts to even think about breathing, let alone do it. My headache is the worst. I can feel my heartbeat, at first speeding up, skipping beats. Then it slows down, until it is unnaturally slow. I feel hot, I am sweating. My eyes open and close between each breath as my breathing finally comes to a normal pace. I begin to gain my senses back, and push myself up into a sitting position. I am always lying down during these attacks, I always fall if I'm not prepared already. Today I was ready, but I couldn't make it to my bed, so I was lying on the floor of my room. Everything slowly goes back to normal, my breathing, my heartbeat, my temperature, and my senses. Everything except my headache, it leaves my mind hazy as I just sit there waiting for it to fade. I look at the clock and see that this one had lasted about 5 minutes. Although ten minutes had passed since I last looked at the time. I had rushed into my room at 6:35 p.m. then I fell to the floor as the numbness and pain started. After each attack it takes anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour to recover, depending on the severity of it. I can never fully be prepared, only just enough. I had grabbed a water bottle earlier and put on my desk, so I sat up more in order to grab it. This time it took about 5 or 6 minutes to get rid of the headache, but my body was still sore, as if I had run 10 miles today. I stood up and walked in a circle around my room before collapsing on my bed.

Breathe. Just breathe. I told myself. My mind began to relax and my body too, it was thankful for the rest. I turned on my Ipod and clicked on the play list labeled "Recovery" then turned the volume up just a little. I turned on my side and fell asleep listening to "Echo" by Trapt.

"Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by.

There is no time... to wait, asking why......."

When I woke up it was about 11. I was sure dad hadn't tried to wake me up, or at least I had hoped not. I looked at my door, it was still locked. He would have at least left me alone when he noticed that. I swung my legs over the side of my bed, my computer was still on. I decided to go online, I needed to do something productive. Hmmm should I play a game, log onto Facebook? Before I knew it I was already looking up pictures, well I guess I'm changing my background picture. At least once a week I changed my desktop picture, it was out of habit since I got bored of staring at the same picture every day. I was subconsciously looking up pictures of blood. But they were beautiful pics, like of a bloody rose or a vampire. It was all drawn or painted, not real of course but it was very pretty and believable. I clicked on one of a girl holding a rose, she had pricked her thumb with its thorn and a deep crimson blood was dripping from the cut. The picture didn't load. I frowned then looked for a different one. I came across one of a single black rose, it was laid on what seemed like a white marble-like counter. It had blood on about a third of it, and it dripped of the rose and slowly off the counter. I clicked on it, it worked. So I set it as my background picture. The blackness surrounding the rose seemed to fade into the black of the desktop. I smiled, pleased. Another 12 minutes had passed, I decided to go eat.

When I opened my bedroom door I was a little upset to hear it creak, as it always did when I was trying to be sneaky and even when I wasn't. I had hoped that my dad went to sleep somewhere other than the couch, but I was wrong. He had passed out while watching T.V. so I had to turn it off then put a blanket over him, it was a chilly night. Then I walked into the kitchen thinking about what to eat.