Amatonormativity

"Alex... I love you," he began as he got down on one knee, "will you marry me?"

One word, three, then four. Eight total words that would seal my fate.  And I would marry him. That one simple question would run the course of my life forever and I was willing to let it. Afterall, who else would be my companion and lover? Who else would I raise children with? This man is my forever man.

So I decided to say, "Yes... YES!"

Yet as I uttered these words, an internal part of me screamed no. I internally blanched, alarmed with my rampant thoughts. No? Why not? Don't I love this man? We've always gotten along, and what other choices do I have? Before he came around, I was alone. No one to care for me, through thick or thin; dead parents and an estranged brother don't keep me much company.  This man was here for me when I needed him most.

We met in high school. Senior year. He was the new kid in a school full of new kids. As a military brat, I was used to the coming and goings of everyone around me. It didn't hurt any less though when my best friend left me once again. Then, he showed up. A shining star in my bleak and lonely life.

Our relationship began amicably, as almost all others do. And for the longest time, I saw him as little more than a brother. Yet, when he asked me out to prom, I couldn't deny him. He was my best friend. And my brother had left so long ago. My parents were hardly ever there. During that time I remember how my thoughts raced: "What if I said no? Would he leave me too? I've never had a romantic relationship, I suppose it's time."

And, while it may not have been the most romantic beginning on my side of the relationship. I'm sure I quickly fell in love with him. After we graduated, we went to college together and we only grew closer. At one point we started living together, because, well it was the natural thing to do.

That's what my relationship with him has always been. Natural. Well, almost always. The sex and the sacrifices came easy. But, I could never quite allow myself to feel nothing but disgust when he kissed me sweetly... romantically. But I believed that it was always just my fear of abandonment talking. The intimacy we shared romantically scared me because I feared he would leave me.

That's all it could've been, right? I love this man. With all my heart and soul, I will continue to love this sweet and supporting and kind man. I owe my love to him.

He supported me in my endeavors to become a lawyer, supporting me through my mood swings from the stress of law school and through the tears shed as I finally made it.

So...

Why do I feel so conflicted about binding myself to him? I've given all of myself to him. He was my first love. My first sexual partner. The first person who stayed. I love him. Yet why? Why is my gut telling me this is the wrong decision?

I don't want to hurt the man I love. The man who has changed my life for the better. I need to stuff the wrongness I feel deep inside and ignore it. I will be happy if I marry this man. We deserve each other.

But will he be happy? I've given everything I can to this man. And he's given everything in return. But will it be enough? When I pulled away from our gentle kisses he always seemed disappointed. When I fail to muster the right amount of enthusiasm and energy around him, I feel disheartened.

Maybe... the truth I've hidden from myself for so long has been that I can't love him. There must be something wrong with me. People do say you can't choose who you love, but if I can't love him, who else is there for me to love?

In all honesty, there's always been something wrong with me. When I was young, and still happy, I was never interested in crushes and the like. When asked if there was someone that I liked I always just chose the most popular girl or boy in school and went along with it.

I've always been internally flawed. I'm simply incapable of loving someone the way they want me to. Yet I must. For this man.

He has always loved me, and has always been there for me. When my parents died, he was there. Crying along with me. Hand reaching down to help me up as I was stuck in the depths of grief.

He has never manipulated or abused or hurt me. And now I have to admit that I was wrong. I don't deserve anything he's given me. For I have continued this façade. For he has been my best friend for so long. And I lied to him and myself for so long.

I do love him. I've loved him for so long. Yet not the way I'm expected to. And standing here, in these few moments, as I face the repercussions of those eight words and one question, I've finally come to the realization.

This marriage will never work out. And I've said yes. After years of being together, I've finally pieced together how broken I am and I have to tell him.

And he will leave. Like everyone else did. And he will be happy. For he will love someone, someone who loves him just as much as he deserves. He will help this person stand up tall and follow their dreams just as he did me. And this person will be the best version of themselves around him. And he will be happiest when around them. And I, having come to the conclusion that I'm innately broken, will decide to take the role he took for me. I will try to help others.

And I come these strong conclusions as he wraps his arms around me and hugs me. For he feels happiness that I've said yes to his proposal. But I'm going to have to retract that answer. And allow him to be free.

In this, I will also be free, and face the dangers of the world who expects nothing of me but to love another. And I will love. I have loved. I will love so many people. But never in the way they expect of me. And because of this revelation, I don't think I will ever feel full again.

A/N - Thanks for reading this short story! It isn't edited whatsoever as I wrote it all in a rush when inspiration to write on this topic struck. Will I ever come back to this story and make changes? I don't want to, but I can't promise that I won't come back to add a bit more detail and my own personal flare as an author.  Anyways, for those wondering, amatonormativity is the societal pressure and belief that happiness comes from love and that we must all settle down and marry at some point in our life. Being aromantic doesn't make you broken, however, in a society that is filled with notions of romance, you often feel that way. And I just wanted to portray that narrative in this short story. Notice any mistakes? Any criticisms you're willing to share? Let me know because I want to learn from anything you guys are willing to share!