Inappropriate longing part 2 - kind of

Inappropriate longing 2 - kind of

POV: Joe M

It was one of those dates you couldn't avoid. I didn't feel like going to the event at all, where the film industry was celebrating itself and the same people as always came, but there was no escaping it. I had to be seen there. I was already dreading this evening. Endless hours of irrelevant small talk, nodding and smiling until your cheeks hurt. At least there was free food - and alcohol.

My mood was still pretty low since Y/N quit and left LA 4 months ago. I hadn't spoken to her since then. It had been an abrupt and surprising end to our affair, which had continued against my resolutions after we returned from the promotional tour. I just couldn't resist her. The memory of how it had been with her and her attraction to me had made me weak again just a few weeks later.

And even today I still thought about her a lot. Every day. I missed her more than I ever thought possible. It was difficult to keep my depressed mood secret from my family, to whom I could not explain. I had never kept anything secret from my family. Especially not something too serious. First my affair, now the breakup that was still dragging me down.

For a while I tried to convince myself I only miss Y/N as a friend. As a platonic friend. But it was more than that. It was also more than the sex that I was missing. I still wasn't sure if I should have reacted differently retrospectively when she admitted that she had fallen in love with me. At the time, our affair had been going on for a few months. I had known it for a long time. I had seen it in her eyes, in every smile - and the way she touched me, seduced me.

Didn't I want to admit it because I knew it would cause trouble?
Or had I even enjoyed it, even though I knew it could only end badly?
Probably a mix of both.

When she told me she was in love with me, I replied that I wasn't. Of course, as sensitively as possible, but let's not fool ourselves. You can't package something like that nicely. Of course, Y/N had hoped for something else. I had hoped, she would be able to deal with it and everything would go on as before for a while: the secret kisses in the office, the meetings at her apartment, the stolen nights with her.

That had been an illusion. Y/N suffered more and more that not only did she have to share me and was my secret, but that I didn't feel the same for her as she did for me until she ended things and severed all ties. She broke up with me, with her job and with LA. From one day to the next she disappeared from my life. Only then did I realize that I had been fooling myself the whole time. I wanted to see myself as the husband who might be cheating physically (bad enough) but who was "only" having sex with someone else. I persuaded myself to be true to my wife at heart, but the truth was, that even there she had to share me since a while.

Once I realized this, my guilty conscience kept me from contacting Y/N again. I finally wanted to do the right thing, like I had all those years before. But I couldn't forget Y/N. Not her and not how I felt when we had been together. Only now did I really realize how deep our connetion had became in the meantime. How intimate our being together had been and why I just couldn't stay away from her: Because I felt more for her. More than I should, more than I dared to admit.

My depression and bad mood of the last few months was unexpectedly increased immeasurably that evening. Something happened that I never expected: Y/N was at the same event. She was sitting a few tables away, right in my line of sight. Seeing Y/N again threw me completely. She looked wonderful. Breathtaking. The dress she wore was incredibly sexy. Very different from the clothes I'd seen her in before. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I was frozen for a few moments. My heart was beating faster, my mouth was going dry, and I didn't know what to do at all - go to her, reconnect with her? Or pretend I haven't seen her, ignore her for hours and then go home. Inconceivably. I cursed fate for sending Y/N back into my life and making it even harder.