The Shoe Store
by Ellen Miz Ellen
Scene: Three clerks behind the counter in a shoe store. Enter disgruntled customer with box under one arm.
Disgruntled Customer: I’d like to return these shoes.
Clerk #1: You want to return *those* shoes.
DC: Right.
Clerk #2: Wrong. To escape from the Wheel of Life, it is necessary to avoid desire.
DC: (clears throat) Maybe so. But these shoes don’t fit.
Clerk #1: But I thought you wanted to return *those* shoes.
DC: I do. They don’t fit.
Clerk #1: Let me get this straight. *Which* shoes do you want to return, these or *those*?
DC Neither one fits.
(Sound of shoes clattering on counter might be appropriate here)
Clerk #3: (grabs shoes, begins banging rhythmically on counter, sings)
If the shoe don’t fit,
You’ve got to wear it, wear it.
DC: Geez. This place is loony tunes.
Clerk #1: No, no. This *man* is Loony Tunes.
Clerk #3: (sings)
Yes, Yes, My name is Loon
I sing the tune.
Clerk #2: (sings)
Cha! Cha! Cha cha cha!
DC: Hold it! I’d like to return these shoes. What does it take?
Clerk #1: Do you have a receipt?
DC: Yes. Here it is.
Clerk #2: Ah good, there will be no problem returning these shoes. Just come back on the alternate Wednesday after Memorial Day.
DC: Argh!
Clerk #1: Of course, if you wanted to exchange, it could take place immediately.
DC: Fine! I’ll take those sandals over there, if you have them in my size.
Clerk #2: What is your size?
DC: 9 1/2.
Clerk #2: I’m sorry. We have it in that size, but you can’t have it in that size.
DC: Why not?
Clerk #2: Because you *don’t* have it in that size.
DC: Of course I don’t. How do I get it?
Clerk #3: (sings)
Guys like you will never get it,
However much that you regret it.
Clerk #2: (sings)
Cha! Cha! Cha cha cha!
DC: I want to speak to the manager immediately!
Clerk #1: I’m sorry. Our manager has been out to lunch since 1976.
(Disgruntled Customer has nervous breakdown.)
(fade / curtains)
