I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I question life, I question what was wrong with me. I've messed up so many times. This last week has just been torture though.
1. June 2, 2015
Someone was finally going to help. Someone was willing to listen to what I had to say, and I said something wrong. I don't even remember what I said. But I said something that pushed them away. All of a sudden, I was by myself again. I don't remember much. All I remember was a few angry phrases and crying from both parties.
2. June 3, 2015
My best friend was only trying to help. She was helping support me. But I'd had a long day and was already upset. I remember this night clearly. I was talking about how I'm not comfortable with myself. How I wasn't good enough. She told me I was. I didn't believe her. Then I said something really harsh. I was snippy and looking back, I can't believe what I said. But I was so hurt that night, I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't eat a thing the next day. Only enough to make everyone think I was fine. I pulled the "I don't have money" excuse for lunch. No one thought anything about it. Or maybe they did, I was so out of it that next day that I didn't pay attention.
3. June 4, 2015
The day I didn't eat. The day that I was so upset with myself that I didn't think. But that night, my brother had a ceremony at his school. I went, pretending everything was fine. Then at the reception I saw people my age. People I knew. And what do I do? I end up tripping. No one moved to do anything. Some even laughed. I went to the bathroom and hid until it was time to go home.
4. June 5, 2015
I finally told someone I wasn't okay. Someone in real life. Turns out she had gone through it too. But she was doing better until I had brought it up and thought about it again. Not only was I suffering, but both of us were. Later that night I almost threw up on the guy I like. Thankfully I didn't, but it was still pretty bad.
5. June 6, 2015
Two of my friends liked each other. He wanted to ask her out, but he hadn't been in a relationship in forever. He told me he wasn't sure if he was ready. I saw how much they liked each other so I pushed him to ask her out. At midnight this morning, he did. 12:00 on the dot. At 3:22 this afternoon, he texted her and wanted to break up. He just wasn't ready. She blamed him. But it wasn't his fault. I told her it was mine. It was, after all. She's mad at me now. She won't talk to me.
Throughout this last week, I've caused five people pain and/or suffering - including myself. But at this point, I'm numb to the feeling. I don't feel any pain, but my brain knows that I should. So it seems like I am. Why do I keep messing up? There's obviously something wrong with me.
