Their First 10,080 | Tronnor

Monday: The Frantastic Kind

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Connor threw his hand in front of the camera and sighed a long breath of relief. His face relaxed with the final lack of his façade; he was so glad that he could express how exhausted he was. He and Troye had stayed up talking, among other things, until around 2am, when they had finally become sleepy. Connor was so comfortable, drifting off with his cheek smushed against Troye's chest, but then awoke with a start when he realized that he had forgotten to film his video. He always felt so bad when his videos were late, even by twenty minutes, so he had flown out of Troye's arms in order to complete it. He went for a simple Q&A, in which Troye sat in the kitchen in his pajamas, feeding him questions like "what would you name your kids?" or "what's your favorite breed of cat?" He also tried to feed him warm milk, as soon as he turned off the camera.

Connor shook his head as Troye held out the slightly steamy mug. "Thanks, Tro." He yawned, "But I have to edit now, so I can't let you sedate me just yet."

Troye simply nodded, kissing Connor's temple in a sleepy haze of love. "No worries, darling, I'll just place it in the microwave for you to heat later."

"Okay. I love you." Connor said, the words like heaven in his mouth.

Troye smiled, giving Connor a hug. "I love you too. Don't be too long coming to bed, now."

"Worried about a cold bed?" Connor winked, earning himself a soft kiss on the lips.

"Of course. I don't even know if I can sleep without my sweet American boy anymore." Troye joked. He began to sing a line of American Boy by Estelle, twirling the longer strands of Connor's hair. "Don't like those baggy jeans but imma like what's underneath 'em."

Connor laughed tiredly, nudging Troye off of him in favor of placing his MacBook on his lap. "Go to bed now, TimTam. If you keep trying to seduce me, I'm never going to get this video up."

Troye's face softened and he gave Connor one last kiss. It was the essence of a quiet adoration and tender touch, filling five seconds to the corners with an extraordinary fondness. Connor nearly reached out for him when he broke away, but he had to work, and Troye was already closing the bedroom door.

Damn, he felt so lucky; Troye loved him so much it seemed. He loved him inside and out, even with all of his uglier attributes, his sillier attributes, his shyness, his scars and his anger. And he loved Troye too, in a way that just kept building up and up. He looked at his camera; his feelings towards Troye were birthing an idea in his head. An idea of the crazy sort. It peeked out slowly, with a nervous little bite of the lip, until it was lifting Connor's hand towards the record button. Connor pressed it, and it blinked red for a couple seconds while he processed what the hell he was doing.

His body switched into a shaky, confessing mode that he was strangely used to. "I-I swear my heart is beating so fast. Should I be worried?" He laughed breathily, holding a hand to his chest to try calming his nerves. He was doing it. He was actually doing it.

"Hey you guys, it's Connor and...this week's video is going to be a little more serious than usual. I have a couple things I need to get off my chest. First off, I have a secret that I've been trying so hard to make...not a secret anymore.

I started to get these thoughts when I was twelve...thoughts that scared me and that I just...pushed down as far as I could. But, as hard as I tried, I couldn't get rid of them, and they stayed with me for years, until I began thinking about it so much that I became depressed. It really affected my life, the fear. The fear of admitting it, the fear of being judged, the fear of not being...according to the standards of the little mid-western town I grew up in...normal. But the reason I'm making this video is because, back in January, I faced that fear. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I said it. I admitted it, and then I told somebody. I kept my friend Tyler up until 5am on his couch, and told him everything. I took him a little by surprise, but he just looked at me and said, 'You're okay and it'll all be okay.' His support gave me hope that I could get through this whole, daunting thing.