san sat on a chair, hand holding a napkin to attempt to stop the bleeding. after wooyoung punched him in the face, which to be honest, he did deserve, he called yunho up and asked if he could stay over for a night there. it wasn't like his parents would accept him to go home like this.
"damn, that's some vigilante shit, san." was what yunho said when he first opened the door to san. san was lucky that yunho's parents were out at a family friend's house and not at home, or he would've been rushed to the hospital immediately; no questions would be asked, but he'd feel guilty about the amount of money yunho's parents would then be spending on him.
san shrugged, "i did kinda deserve it." he said while sitting down on a chair, his face tilted upwards to try and prevent the blood from flowing out excessively as yunho grabbed a new box of tissues for him. yunho pulled a chair to sit opposite to san, observing the younger as he grabbed three tissues at a time and stuffed it up his nose, knowing that it wasn't the most efficient way to stop a nosebleed but just did what his half dead mind thought was right.
yunho scoffed, "'course you did. you fucking kissed juyeong in front of him! i love you and all, san, but that's some fucked up thing to do."
"i know," san sighed. he sniffed, feeling another flow of blood swarming out and quickly changed the tissue. shit, some blood was getting onto his hand. "but i just-"
"just tell me why you did it. maybe that'll make you seem less like an asshole."
hearing yunho say that kind of hurt san. okay, yunho was not wrong when he said that san was an asshole, knowing that what he did to wooyoung was really, really shit. but he couldn't help it. he really couldn't.
"okay," san said after a while of silent. the bleeding had stopped temporarily, or at least was less fierce as it was a few minutes ago, and san looked at yunho in the eyes. in yunho's eyes were disappointment, anger, and betrayal. perhaps he was thinking how on earth could san do something like this to someone like wooyoung. perhaps he was disappointed in thinking that san could be the perfect boyfriend for wooyoung.
well, he's wrong. everyone's wrong when they think that san was okay and could the perfect someone to another.
'cause how could he love someone when he's broken himself?
how can people expect him to love someone else when he couldn't even find the strength nor the will to love himself?
"it just didn't feel right," san began explaining, feeling blood rushing to come out again and tilted his head upwards, stuffing some tissue into his nose and facing yunho once again, "i mean, i genuinely loved wooyoung. he was amazing, sweet, cute, nice, kind — everything and anything you can ask in a partner. he loved me and i loved him; everything was perfect. it was almost too perfect, if you get what i mean. i guess i just didn't actually expect someone to love me as much as wooyoung loved me and it scared me a bit. no, i'm lying, it scared me a lot. i didn't want me to be a disappointment to him. i didn't want to see the fall of his face when he realises that i'm not what he thinks i am and that i'm everything but the love of his life.
"wooyoung was definitely the right person for me. we click so well, we relate to each other so much and we compliment each other in the best way possible. but i just—i just didn't think we found each other at the right time."
another tissue change, and one glance at the tissue made san smile a little. at least the blood was slowing down and starting clot.
san looked at yunho, who was staring right back at him, and smiled sadly. he sighed, staring at the ground and playing with the ball of tissue he created from his tissues, "if we met later in life, perhaps i would've spent forever with him. but not now. i couldn't, and i wouldn't hurt him like that."
"you've already hurt him, san, don't you see?" yunho frowned, "you've hurt him by kissing juyeong and dating juyeong. i get where you're coming from — i really do — but isn't this just a bit selfish? couldn't you have explained this to him? couldn't you have told him what you were feeling? knowing wooyoung, he'd probably help you along the way, and that way, you'll still have your forever with him. why—why did you choose the selfish way, san?"
san looked back up. he saw the sincerity in yunho. he saw the pity and disappointment in yunho. and he felt like a failure all over again. perhaps that's why his parents never loved him: he could never satisfy anyone.
"i couldn't," san whispered, cleared his throat and repeated it, "i just can't. i can't bring him through this. i know wooyoung would be considerate and tell me that we could get through this together, but he can't. he shouldn't be wasting his time on me, someone who's still broken trying to love someone who isn't. this is my fight to fight, my obstacle to overcome. it shouldn't be a burden to him and nor should it be for you. i have to figure this out on my own."
running a hand through his hair, san's eyes darted to the window next to him, looking out at the dark sky and how the clubs of seoul were starting to get livelier and louder. knowing that wooyoung was probably in one of them with yeosang physically pained him. but could he do anything about it? no.
"kissing and dating juyeong was so that i don't prolong the process. think about it, yunho: even if we stayed together after i tell him, how long will it take for him to realise that he's just wasting time on me when he could find someone that'll make him happier than i ever will, broken or not? maybe we'll meet ten years later, when i'm fixed and he's happy, and we can be friends. or maybe we'll never meet again, and i honestly don't know which one i'd prefer. seeing him happy would be something i'd die to see, but would he want to see me fixed?"
the two best friends stayed silent, letting the comforting sounds around them engulf them completely and swallow them. it was relaxing, it was comforting, and san had never felt so light before. after telling yunho how he really felt, everything felt lighter all at once and he could not be happier about it. sure, he'd probably feel the same if he ever told wooyoung this, but there was no guarantee that wooyoung would stay. yunho, however, was stuck with him for life.
yunho shook his head, "you're so fucking stupid, san."
he muttered before hugging san. san had never been hugged this tight by someone other than wooyoung, and feeling this from yunho, his best friend, his ride or die, made him emotional. it made the emotions within him swirl and stir, creating a perfect hurricane inside of him, filled with different colours and splashes of different emotions. it was hard to even try and decide what he was feeling right now. was it happiness? relief? sadness? guilt?
san had no idea.
and maybe it was okay to have no idea about what he's feeling sometimes. he spent all his life trying to get everything as clear as black and white without realising that there's always a grey area that wouldn't make sense unless you look at the whole picture.
san had spent all his life ignoring the big picture, only focusing on the delicate details of colours without zooming out and understanding that everything was just part of a big scheme.
maybe that's where it went wrong with wooyoung. maybe that's why he's the right person for him, but they just met at the wrong time.
i cannot even BEGIN to tell you
how much i love the
right person wrong time trope.
i will be incorporating into so many
of my other books. I LOVE IT
TOO MUCH.
also, for those wondering how
the fuck does this chapter
fit w the actual song,
it doesn't lol. the song talks about
someone taking revenge
on their ex through vigilante and
crime and bro I CAN'T WRITE THAT
ABOUT OUR WOOSAN.
so i uh twisted it.
soz if u were disappointed :/
also also, i forgot how bittersweet
my angsts always r. i'm sorry.
