If you're reading this right now, I must assume that you want to listen, because this is not my fic that people want to read. This is a post that is unpleasant. If you are willing, hear me out.
I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated that every morning I wake up more tired than I was the day before and I don't want to get up. I don't want to move. I don't want to live, but I get up anyways.
Every time that I think about it, I get confused about how I do it. This is not meaning to sound like I'm so superior and strong for making it through, because I'm not. I'm as weak as everyone else and I feel like I'm going to fall over.
I'm frustrated because I can't drop this feeling of being an improper human. I see others who know what happiness is and feels like, a I sit wanting to disappear at every chance. I'm not mad at them, but I desperately want to be them. To taste sweet happiness for more than a moment and have it torn away again by my mind. So who am I to be living and wasting air for others who are benefiting the world while I sit and rot in my room staring at a wall?
I've had many people tell me that I'm not alone, and I'm frustrated that I have to tell them that's not how I feel all the time. I don't tell them what I do, I just say thank you. But I must inform you that I don't feel alone. I simply hate myself. I'm frustrated that no one can see me as I do and I'm on an island of self hate.
I go through every day trying to make others happiness, but never mine. I tell people to keep away from self hate, but I don't leas a good example at all. Someone could easily call me a hypocrite, but I already know what I am. And I hate it.
I can't stand the way that my body looks. Every inch is uncomfortable and I feel detached from it.
This is not me.
I'm greedy.
I feel that if people say what they do to me about how I am, I should look differently than I do. Shouldn't I be skinny? Shouldn't I have long beautiful hair? Shouldn't I look like others. I'm all for individualism, but this is just not right. But I can railways have what I want. And for that, I'm greedy.
I also know that if I keep this up, I will never get to do what I want. This feeling keeps me pinned down to my bed, unmoving and numb.
My voice and skills will never improve to the point where people will look up to me and listen to my music and smile or cry or feel any emotion. People won't hear what I'm trying to give, change. I want people to know that music can mean so much. I want to make special songs to relieve people of their feeling for a while. I don't trust that I won't disappoint people, even with my voice.
I want to tell you what I'm most frustrated about. I'm frustrated that so many people feel the same way. I want everyone to be the happiest they can and not feel a constant hole in their stomach. No one should feel like theyre dead, but forced to be living.
So I am going to a hypocrite once again. I'm going to tell you that I have sat in my room and destroyed my body a countless number of times. I have held my breath underwater. I have foraged through my cabinets for the strongest pills I could find. I have purposefully not leaned over to clear my throat while sobbing. But I'm going to tell you that it's not over.
If you remember anything from this post, remember that if you feel like this, we are not here for us. We are here for the living. It is unfair to put them through what we are going through and in my opinion it is almost worse for them. We may want to die, but they have to watch as we do. It's like watching your puppy be shot in front of your face and you're strapped down.
Please stay alive for me and the living.
