Fifty Shades of Grey. A Teardown.

Fifty Shades of Grey Review

Before I write my judgement of this film and
indirectly, but just as heavily, the book, I feel
compelled to state three things.

1.

I'm a feminist, okay, Egalitarian really.

2.

I studied and passed an HND in Television
Production in 2003, in which I studied how
to analyse and take apart a film based on
story, script, production etc. For my first
year major project I analysed 3 film genre's
and studied 3 films, 3 glowing examples of
each (Film Noir, Gangster Films and
Vampire films), each film chosen scored on
average a 4/5 stars in any typical review
you'd have read. This huge chunk of a
project gained me a distinction and was
one of three pieces of coursework,
belonging to me and two other HND
students that was passed to the Bsc
Honours Degree students of the same
course, to look at and study to show them
what a student on a lesser course was
producing, as they were not achieving the
same. Ahem...

3.

I am a straight, single, BDSM Practitioner
and a Dominant within the lifestyle but I
have bitten both sides of the D/s coin.

And I need none of this to tell you what a God-
awful film this is.

I want to make one thing clear though. I didn't
hate this film, hate would lead me to
depression. I didn't enjoy it but I didn't hate it
either. I loathed it. It's the second worst film
I've ever seen but only because the actual
worst film I've ever seen teased it's viewers
into thinking it was a SAW-clone and really it
had nothing to do with anything that film
series did. If you want to know what that is
then look upon images of a film called Silent
Scream. It hurts me to admit I watched it. It's
the one film that deserves taking out and
dropping an actual nuclear bomb onto the
celluloid it was composed of. And Nicholas
Cage's Bringing Out the Dead, which I gave a 1
out of 5 Stars for back when I went to Uni and
was a better made film for a glowing red piece
of shit that it was. That film had little merit,
but some merit it did have.

50 Shades of Grey cannot claim to have even
that. It is a poorly made film by a director I
would predict better of. I know Sam Tailor-
Johnson is capable of better and 'has' made
better films, proven better (Nowhere Boy – a
shorter film but muccch better told). She was
chosen by E.L.James after asking to direct it. A
career low for her if you ask me. And in saying
this it'll bring me round to this other problem...
E.L. James. But more on her later.

While watching the film you get to quickly see
the biggest problem in it, and it's in the name.
Christian Grey. He is a very pathetic character.
THE single most worst leading man I've seen
in anything. His accent slips a number of
times. The way he delivers his lines are as if
he's reading them from the page. The way he
holds Ana's face it could almost be turned into
a drinking game. You thought it'd be fun to
take a shot of vodka each time Ana bites her
lip, well try each time he cups her face to
'protect' her and swaddle her... This is a man
who yearns to control women because at the
age of 15 years old he was 'seduced' (his
words), by a friend of his mothers. His own
mother was a cocaine addicted prostitute.
Thanks for stereotyping sex workers and drug
abusers Mrs James. I have to admire you for
that... What the actual fuck... Remember, she
wrote Christian Grey. So I'm not sure who to
blame for his character; her, those who
adapted this monstrosity or Jamie Dornan, but
anyway... on I go.

Our man Chris, our leading man, the epitome
of masculine beauty (apparently) becomes
obsessed with Ana Steeles vulnerability and
shyness. She has everything he needs to make
a move and he quickly, deftly, pilfers a
document containing her details on, from her
belongings that she takes with her as she
leaves his office floor after the initial interview
she gives as a stand-in for her room mate