Vocaloid Song Fics

Dilemma

It has always been the same pattern with me when it comes to friends and love. Today it was a break up with my recent partner as they were the last person in my life to make me feel warm and happy inside...now everything is gone. It's just me now alone in bed wasting away as my thoughts have worsened and tears going down the drain. "Who else am I supposed to love but you?" I wonder to myself now since everyone who I was close too in my life is gone now.

What the hell am I supposed to do? Who is even gonna want me now...hell would they even know how much I do to keep them around cause I swear that nothing in my life is my fault. But the breakup was the only thing that got to my face while my friends just left me out of the blue and now I question on what did I even do wrong, like am I just a bad person or something? I would like to know if I did do something wrong to make them all leave me...

"Look Miku this relationship is not gonna work anymore because well you are just adding too much onto my plate at this point. Like I have way more important things to attend too as you knew before, like don't get me wrong or anything Miku but you're too much to put up with that being with you at this point just feels more like another ounce of work for me, rather than being in an actual relationship" 

That was what my partner said at least and you know maybe they are right on that point...maybe other points could have also been for the fact I was clingy, selfish, entitled, everything that I hate about myself and others do. I guess me being loved or feeling good was never gonna be possible...maybe I should just do it already since a part of me seems to be right now about that option. Who was I even to think I could be loved by them?

I wipe my tears as I sniffled to then stand up from my bed with my blanket covering me, as I now go and search the drawers and my closet to see what I can use to off-myself

"It's all just make up, mirrors, and trending accessories...shit that I did not even like though...." I guess another thing that makes me so hateful then is that I am a fraud. That I don't even know what I truly like then. All I did was just follow along with whatever my former friends liked...cause well not only did I think it would make me also feel good cause those things also made them feel good but I thought it would make me seem like someone worth being around for. 

"IT'S ALL JUST FUCKING ONE-SIDED THEN!" I yell out as I grab a products hand-filled in both of my hands

"NO FUCKING WONDER THEN IF IT IS ALL JUST BULLSHIT FOR ME!" 

"I AM JUST NOTHING FOR GODS SAKE THEN, RIGHT?!"

"NONE OF THIS BULLSHIT WAS EVER GONNA BE FUCKING REAL NONE OF IT!"

"WHOEVER THE HELL I FOLLOWED ALONG WITH TO GET ALL THIS BULLSHIT MUST BE JUST AS FUCKING FAKE AS I AM THEN!"

I keep on yelling as I breakdown throwing every product against the walls, I don't even know what I am saying if I am being honest I just feel like I am throwing rocks. I even go for the mirror eventually cause actually, right there instead says everything for me.

"I am such a whiny ass bitch, huh? Nothing is ever fucking worth it anymore then...I can't even bare to see the shit I am at this point. I might as well just throw this stupid ass mirror out then or whatever the hell..." looking at myself in the cracked reflection it still looks so ugly while also  a bit in feeling scary. Now the mirror too is just as ugly as me in fact the cracks remind me of how I just don't know shit too in general. I keep on turning my head staring at the cracked mirror as tears start coming in to pour again.

"...Maybe this is even all just a dream...maybe I can't wake up and in reality I am a much prettier and better person. Someone who everyone loves, someone who everyone wants to be with, someone who is never in the waiting, someone who can always make others smile" 

I start full on sobbing putting my face into the palms of my hands and everything just feeling so god damn useless at this point cause again none of it was real and this was all just for nothing. I take a glance at the cracked mirror again, feeling in wanting to punch it but at the same time I felt sort of hesitant too. Which makes me feel even worse cause I cannot even do something so simple like that too. 

"After everything I have fucking done, AFTER EVERYTHING-..I-..HAVE-..FUCKING-..DONE! I also cannot hurt myself too? ...So fucking pathetic too then it's just the same for everything at this point. I-I could...not even keep them around for no way in hell" I then just stood up and pushed the mirror downwards onto my room's floor after I said that. I would then kneel down towards the shards still sobbing trying my best to wipe the tears away as I would poke at a shard then slightly touch the tip of it.

I glance at the shard just feeling it on the floor now is all...

"I'll always be by your side" feeling it reminded me of a time I got comforted once by my best friend Flower when I had a mental breakdown closely like this. Turns out those words were bullshit indeed of course, shaking my fucking head.

There was also "I'll come running  to your house if you tell me that you want hang out sometime" from Len as he was also quite lonely  and I would be willing to let him over anytime, like right now. 

Both of the bullshit that they both said were all filled with continuous lies though. Flower only comforted me when I was having an episode alone, not being there to even defend me when it came to being around others. Len would usually just come up with excuses about being busy when he was just doing his own bullshit alone and only rarely would tell me in days when barely any activity was around the streets which may have meant that he just wanted someone to mess around with.

I take a deep sigh as I would then hear a truck outside passing by then looking over to my window. I would stand up but then again for some reason I'd still be hesitant...so what I did instead was carefully move the shards over, to make myself a path over to my window to see. I am checking to see cause it might be something for me or not and this time I wanna give my piece of mind to admit that I do not want shit anymore.

I watch to see the house it goes down too instead would be my partner's which who I have just recently broken up with. I take another deep sigh and carefully still make my way out of my room...

"If I can't do it myself then it may be more easier like this" I say as I rush out the front door footless wearing the same clothes from when we had our last date still. I would then go on to run through neighboring roads carrying off to the road my partner lives on hoping the truck comes on by to me in time. 

"This may be a miracle for all of them and a good farewell for me I guess...maybe I will give the truck's wheel a hug as my thanks hehe..." I say as I get more near towards the distance it comes through, I would hear the engine noises it is making and smell the smoke as I am running closer to it. It feels like a moment of joy I guess...at least that is what I am trying to tell myself being this is where my end is, the end that everyone wanted I guess then. 

I would keep going in but suddenly I would stop at 6 feet in front of it...


'Hey, by your side, is where I want to be'

"Here it comes then..."

Suddenly I would be tossed over... 


'I was always in love with you, which I guess is true even now'

Those words sounded just like...guess I got copied off while on the side which feels funny, right?


'You don't know enough, for yourself you know, hey, look at me and say something'

"I don't know what to say..." mumbling that truthfully...but I am also so tired


'I'm sorry please hug me, kiss me, but I know that isn't true yet...'

Again what do I say? What does that even mean and how can I even come close to the level of feeling 'warm' anymore when it does not mean anything for me...?


'Heal and learn, heal it, heal the after-effects of what wasn't there...heal yourself'

Then it felt like a snap as I would just wake up looking at my hands then

"What a rip off..." I get up to look around but what caught my eye was how I looked in the mirror with tears in my eyes as I would hear my phone beep. I check to see that it was just a game notification...hoping at least it was a text from someone but now I just felt used to it. So what I did instead was just delete everything to do with my old friends and ex-partner as that actually kind of made me feel happier. I took a deep breath then looking at myself in the mirror still feeling ugly yet it felt somewhat sweeter so I tried smiling after awhile now.

For the first time in awhile though it actually made me feel happy too so I just kept on staring for a moment at myself smiling as that would make me burst into tears of joy

"Heal and learn, heal it, heal the after-effects of what wasn't there...heal yourself. I believe that is what the voice in my dream said?" I took another breath opening up my notes app on my phone to then creating a new note called 'Steps to healing and smiling' and then that would be the first thing from my dream that I would end up writing down first in the note I just made.