My Last Memoir

Reflextion

A me story.

Dear everyone,

You might know me, you might not; regardless I'm glad you're here. I know it's only been a year, but it has even amazed me how much people can change in a year. Funny, right? In my 'last' memoir that was one of the things I was scared of; people changing, me thinking I wasn't changing - but I have a lot, whether for the better or worse.

In this, I will be addressing things from my last chapter, and talking about what I think now. Purley all my opinions haha.
(Special news at the end:) )

"Because at least you know who I am, because I don't; and I don't think that I ever will."
""..here I am, not wanting to be anybody. I don't want to be known by a name, not a name given to me or one that I chose. I don't want to use pronouns,  I don't want to be anything besides existing. I want to exist, and be okay with that."

In a way, I think I achieved 'no pronouns, no name, just existing.' Over the course of the year I had an internal struggle with who I was as a person, what I am as a person. Nothing felt right, and if it had, it wasn't for very long. But then I realized for me personally, I'm not really anything. I'm me! I don't mind what people call me, I don't mind how people see me - because I'm just me, and I'm happy with that. My deadname doesn't bother me, neither does the name 'Luca.' I don't mind what pronouns people use for me, because in the end that's not what matters (to me.) I've learned to better appreciate myself, my body, how I think; though I do still have ups and downs, but everyone does. It's a part of life. I don't really think you can find yourself if you don't learn to love yourself, all parts included. Now I understand for others it's different, and I'm glad you're strong enough to be able to find yourself easily in the darkness.

But for me, I couldn't. I wasn't listening to myself, I was scared to. But having a 'conversation' with yourself is the most revealing thing you can ever do. For example, the term; "I'm gonna kill myself." Whether joking or not, it's not healthy to say it (story for another time.) But nonetheless, people do - and when they think it seriously it scares people - or motivates people in a wrong way. What I mean by it scares people, is that it freaks people out that they could think like that - which makes sense, and they often get even more upset understandably. I do too. But if we stopped for a moment and told ourselves, "No I don't, (even if you want to say you don't. It's hard at first but you can do it:) ) why am I thinking this way?" Have that conversation, learn about yourself, learn how to better yourself and how to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Yes sometimes your own mind is against you, but that's why you show love and compassion back, because eventually your mind gets a little less negative. Anyways sorry for ranting, onto the next thing haha.

"It seemed ever so slowly that it had gone back to just daydreams, to nothing. Things made me happy, but I couldn't find my reason. I was scared that if I couldn't find anything else to do that immersed me, then I'd be left with nothing - what I never wanted to go to and what I was scared I would see."

While yes, my imagination isn't as vivid as it used to be, and it's harder to write still, I'm finding ways. Ways to cope, to make me happy. I still want to become an author, to make people smile, cry, laugh - to be able to relate to something for once. I still want that. And with happiness, I still have trouble being able to be happy. I try hard, and I am able to make myself smile at least a couple of times a day, but it's still hard. It's hard, but I try to cope as well as I can. To teach myself to be with others, and to teach myself to be okay alone. To breathe and not overthink as much; or at least rationalize my overthinking the best I can. And there have been times where I have felt left with nothing, and I'm trying to get better and handle those emotions. To my surprise even, I've realized that sometimes I crave nothing, to be alone and be to myself. Which you should all do as well. Whether you're an extrovert, introvert or both, take time out of your schedule to make time for yourself. To collect your thoughts.

"I started thinking about the people I hurt, and the people who hurt me, I couldn't stop."

Life, is agreeable a bitch, and we can be bitches too (be honest with yourself.) We hurt people, whether we mean to or not we do and we can't expect them to forgive us. As hard as it is to say, it's not their right to forgive us, it's their right to choose. The best we can do to handle that is to learn from our mistakes and grow as people, to mature, to try better, and to forgive ourselves. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't feel guilty if you hurt someone, you should (sorry, this directed towards me too though lmao,) but you also shouldn't hold it against yourself forever. It'll tear you down forever unless you forgive yourself. As for if you've been hurt, which we all have, it's completely okay to feel how you feel. But we can't let those people control our lives with what they did, and we can't let them ruin how we are as people. We can only learn, and again try to forgive. It may take years, and that's okay - but forgive them at some point. It'll help you breathe. Now forgiving someone doesn't mean you want them back into your life, no you can keep them far far out of your life, and I know in some VERY extreme cases it's hard to forgive (trust me I know,) but once we forgive, we can finally start to leave it in the past. To be free of it. Because whether you realize it or not, especially if this person is no longer in your life, your hatred for them is the last thing of them you carry around. So let it go, let them go. It'll be hard, but at least every part of them is finally gone.

"Oh, it's over. The story is over. Because I can't see the future anymore."
"I no longer played a part, so it was over. There was no more. So it needed to end because if I didn't end it, then it would feel like this forever, prolonged and full of nothing."

I couldn't have been more wrong in my life. I can see sort of what my future is, but that isn't what matters I've realized. Because the best thing about a story is that when it ends, another one starts. It doesn't have to end at one story, it shouldn't end at one story. Just because I couldn't see the future, doesn't mean I don't have one - it means I don't know what's coming next, and in reality, no one does. Life is like a rollercoaster in the dark, you have no idea where the hell you're going besides the one shimmer of light every so often to remind you that you're just going forward. So you better buckle in and try to enjoy what you can because it's a l o n g roller coaster. You shouldn't be the one to decide when your story ends, because you're not the author - you're the main character. Just as I am in my own story; :)

So that's it, the story is finished. At least this one anyways, but like I said - when one story ends, another one begins. And going off of that; I think I'll start posting on here again. Just simple things like short stories, but I want to share my work again, even if not a lot of people see it. It'll be on this account, so if you're ever interested (at least for when I do make it) it'll be there.

I love you all, and I've learned so so much more about myself this year than I wrote, but I just wrote what I saw fit. If you take anything from this, please take that it does get better, but before it gets better you have to love yourself, or at least accept yourself as you are.

I still go through ups and downs, and I'm still learning so much and I'll continue to learn more, it's a part of life;