My Friend the Psychopath

Chapter One

She looked out the window, expecting to see the blooms in the garden below, but all she saw was a gray dismal gathering of bare branches and fallen leaves.

She let her eyes glaze over, unblinking, as her mind flitted from thought to thought never staying long. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath, smelling the cold condensation on the window and faint smell of antiseptic that was ever-present.

"Clara." "Miss Clara, you hear me?"

A southern voice. Nurse Harriet. A kind but stern woman, who none of the patients messed with. She had worked at Jonathan Bright State Institution for at least 30 years. And right now, she was trying to get Clara's attention.

Clara, with her eyes still closed, took one more breath and allowed her eyelids to slowly peel away from her eyes. She looked up at Nurse Harriet, a grim smile on her face.

"Yes Nurse Harriet?" Her voice sounded worn and small even to her own ears. Weak.

"Miss Clara I've been callin' you. It's time for your afternoon appointment with Dr. Venner."

"Oh. Right. Thanks." Three words, no emotion, just matter of fact. 

A schedule was strictly kept here. No deviation was allowed or approved if requested. In Clara's time of being there she had never seen someone have a different schedule. Every patient maintained two therapy sessions a day, with two different doctors. One doctor focused on the past of the patient and the other focused on the future treatment and goals. It was an odd concept to Clara, who had been through many such therapists, doctors, psychologists, and psychiatrists over the years. But here was her last option and opportunity. She had nowhere else to go. She was known as an "untreatable" patient. 

Clara scooted her chair back with a screech, causing several patients to look up at her and one even started crying. 

Oh shut up Peter. God you're a waste of air. Clara thought to herself. 

Clara followed Nurse Harriet towards the treatment wing from the free time room she had been daydreaming in. They passed door after door of living quarters, rooms filled with lost souls and downright crazy people. 

Clara didn't think she was crazy. She thought everyone else was insane and had the wrong conceptions about her. About him. 

About us. Clara thought. 

Nurse Harriet was making small talk asking about her day and saying that the mail was coming later, but Clara didn't respond or make any noise of acknowledgement. She just kept her eyes down and used her index finger to pull at the cuticle on her thumb. 

As they walked, it seemed like it took years, but Clara eventually saw Dr. Venner's office door in her limited view through her eyelashes. Nurse Harriet rapped on the door and Dr. Venner appeared at the door, opening it with a slight creak. 

"Oh Clara, how wonderful to see you, please come in, would you like any tea?" Dr. Venner smiled at Clara, ushering her in with a manicured hand, her wedding ring shining under the florescent lighting in the hallway. Nurse Harriet left them then and said something about getting Clara when she was done with her appointment. 

Dr. Venner smiled again at Clara as Clara stepped in to the office, breathing in the smell of citrus and sage. Dr. Venner's blonde hair curled over her shoulder, held back with a pearl clip. Her white coat was pressed perfectly, with it's sharp angles screaming "I am educated!"

I used to be her. Clara sighed and sulked for a second before returning to her blank stare. She sat down in a comfortable chair across from Dr. Venner who sat behind her desk. Dr. Venner smiled without her teeth this time, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she poured tea for them both. Clara hadn't said she wanted any, but she took it anyways. 

"Now Clara, I know last session we discussed the impact of your father's discipline on you. I wanted to see if we could dive deeper into that today, as I believe that is why you chose who you chose to love later on in life. I think your father's influence greatly increased your likelihood of choosing a controlling but charming man, which...as you know is largely part of the reason you are here in the position you are now." Dr. Venner used a calm and doctorly voice, filled with assurance and openness, but all Clara felt was cold inside her chest. 

"Okay." Clara said bluntly. She didn't want to "dive in" or "deeper." She didn't want to "dive" at all. He was not the reason she was here, she had known what they were, what it was to be with him. She could have chosen anyone else. All she wanted to do was go back to her room or the free room and look out the window. To look out at the clouds and the rain, and the dead flowers below in the untended gardens. All she wanted to do was look at death, but everyone here was trying to pull her back to life. She mentally prepared herself, looking Dr. Venner in the eyes for the first time that day, and lifted the corners of her mouth in the slightest smile she could manage. 

"Very good Clara, I'm glad you're able to continue going into this with me. It's hard, I know. But I think that you are making good progress and I want to continue that if you're able." She took a sip of her tea, allowing the steam to warm her face. 

Clara nodded, keeping her smile on her face as much as she could, but inside her head she thought "You know nothing of hard times, you know nothing of what I have done or gone through. You know nothing."