A Silent Scream

A Silent Scream pt.1

I want to scream. I want to crawl up into a ball and scream. Scream until I lose my voice. Scream till I fall asleep. Scream until I cant scream anymore. I hate myself. I hate that I'm always the last option. The last person to be considered. I hate that I'm always the one to blame, and I hate how I'm second place. I don't know what I do wrong or what I Don't do at all. I want to burst out in tears at school, at home, and when I'm by myself. I want my life to go back to normal, even tho it never really was normal. I want to make my own decisions. I want to have a say. I want to cry, but I can't. Crying is for losers, and failures. Why is it always me? Why am I always the second option? Why am I not loveable? I don't do anything wrong, or maybe I do everything wrong. They always say life is unfair, and they're right. Life is terrible. Life makes you want to give up. Life makes you want to hurt yourself. Life makes you want to die. I'm sick of this feeling. The feeling of hurt. The feeling of pain. I want to be gone in general. I don't want to talk to anyone about it. This is my problem not anyone else's. I'm just silly and dumb and disappointing. I wish I could do more. I'm tired. I want it to be over. One day I will pass and sometimes I hope that day is soon. In the mean time I'll hurt myself and starve myself and cry till I have no tears left to cry. Until the day death greets me openly or takes me suddenly. Both options are fine. I will not complain. I will accept it gratefully and take it as a gift. No one will stop me. Whether I jump or fall. It is a silent blessing. This is my silent scream. A scream for help.