The LIFE Project

Chapter 1: This Project Called LIFE

This book took inspiration from something very strange. See, I've always considered the pursuit of meaning and happiness to be the entire value of life. It was why I lived. Which was why the destruction of meaning out of my life caused my rather premature soul death. 

It crushed me so completely that I didn't realize just how bad things were until I woke up in 2021 and took stock. This is also a long story, which I will have to get to, so bear with me because I'm trying terribly hard to stay on point. 

Here's a (by no means exhaustive) list of things that stood out: 

1) Financially, I was in the same place as I was in 2014 (down to losing what was supposed to be my forever home for a second time). 

2) Emotionally, I was much worse than before. Let me tell you. Seeing your life follow a cycle of bullshit is not good when you suffer from Anxiety Disorder and PTSD. 

3) Physically, I was a mess. In 2016, I had given up everything outside of basic survival to focus on my business and financial recovery. It was supposed to be a short-term measure that became long-term when the wellbeing of three families was suddenly and mercilessly dropped in my lap. This shift away from my physical health, given that I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS), was a mistake. I gained over a hundred pounds (50 kg for us metric people) in eight years, three quarters of which were gained in the past four years. 

4) And when it comes to the general health of my soul... Well... you saw my introduction. In case anyone missed it, let me reiterate: I haven't published anything since self-publishing my books in 2015 because I was too much of a mess to write and finish any of my stories. This is a grave problem when you define your identity as a storyteller.

I vowed to sort all of this out. 

And let me tell you. More than a year later.

With a LOT of hard work... 

I'm even worse off than before. 

Some highlights of the time after I took stock: 

1) Moved away from my family (mom, brother, and grandmother) 

2) Moved in with a friend

3) Finished up a work project for my business

4) Proceeded to pass out from exhaustion from which I still haven't recovered

5) Struggled to maintain my productivity levels, to the point where even work (my former go-to sign that I was "coping") was no longer always an option

6) Got medical help and started to feel better...

7) Only to realize I needed to cut all contact with mom, brother, and grandmother... 

8) After I had allowed them to manipulate me into severe financial troubles that I'm still recovering from. 

All that was in the period June 2021 to June 2022. So, when it comes to describing my life during that time in one word, bloodbath comes to mind. 

For the past 18 months or so, I've been trying to rebuild anew, but none of the things I tried ever really worked. The only thing that seemed to make a dent was mindfulness meditation, and more often than not, all it gave me was a firm sense of just how fucked up I am. 

See, before my meditation practice started, I used to default to escapism and workaholism in the aftermath of 2017. Work, reading, watching movies, playing video games or DnD. Anything except to pay attention to the shit going on around me. I couldn't cope, so I just... didn't and said I did. I was, after all, highly successful at work.