Silent Love

Introduction

A voice. The number one thing I would love to have in my life, but will never receive no matter how much I wish. From what my mother says, I would talk constantly as a child and it didn't even matter whom I was speaking to or what I was speaking about. It's funny how just a simple word can say a lot about a person. Their language, where they might be from, their cultural background, if they're an introvert or extrovert, all can be revealed just by one single word. Words are more than just letters put together, they bring the whole world together. Just imagine if every human being was incapable of muttering one simple word. A mute human being, just like me. 

Aphasia is the word used to describe someone with a loss of language that causes problems with any or all of the following: speaking, listening, reading, and writing. At least I could still listen, read, and write, but the ability to talk... I lost it. People with Aphasia can mutter only a certain amount of words however, I haven't really tried to figure out what certain words I can say. I've attempted to talk a plethora of times, it just ends up sounding like a bunch of mumbles and whispers almost like someone was punched in the stomach. Attempting to use my voice is such a strain as well; a sharp pain stabs my throat each time a word tries to escape my mouth.

A car accident when I was nine is what caused my disability and stole my voice. Apparently, during the accident I managed to hit my head against the car door extremely hard and caused a traumatic brain injury (a sudden violent blow or jolt to the head.) Also, I fell asleep with a concussion making the situation completely worse. This is very complicated for my mother to explain to people who try to spark up a conversation with me so she just effortlessly informs everyone that I can't speak. Usually, three things will happen. First, the person trying to speak to me will think that me not being able to talk means I'm mentally challenged. So, they'll proceed to talk to me as if I were a child and apologize to my mother for having to "take care of me." Second, they'll do one slow nod with a look of concern, wish my mother a good day, then leave. Lastly, they'll proceed to ask my mom a plethora of questions about my condition and speak to her like I can't hear as well. The thing that hurts the most is hearing my mom have to explain the car accident because I can't move on from the event because it's constantly being brought back up. I know it hurts her too just as much. 

I wish I could go back in time to stop myself from getting into the car. I would also stop my dad from driving as well since he lost his own life because of the accident. I loved my dad greatly and always will, but he's not here with me anymore and never will be so I've learned to push my feelings aside to be there for my mom. My dad and I were very close and would do all kinds of fun things together. He taught me how to add and subtract before my other classmates learned, we would go to a nearby park every Saturday where he would push me on the swings, and he also taught me how to play the piano. I miss him so much... Being alone is usually a fear most people have, but I've been alone for the past eight years now that I am seventeen years old. Ever since the crash I haven't had any friends, no father, never had a boyfriend, and have no other family members that live in our area of San Fransisco; just my mom and I. So I guess I'm not completely alone since I do live with my mom, but all I really want is a friend.

My mom says that I could possibly find a friend online who I can message or video chat with if they know sign however, like I said, I'm extremely introverted and shy. I'm just like those emo kids who sit at the kitchen table with their hoods up, headphones in, and not opening their mouths to say anything unless it's to insult their parents while playing with a knife or blade. Although, I prefer beanies over hoods, earbuds instead of headphones, I enjoy playing the piano more than with knives, and I would never hurt my mom in such a way. Okay, so I guess that was a bad analogy besides the similarity in not speaking and the same music taste. I love all sorts of music, although rock has to be my favorite. When I say I like bands people get all stereotypical, but I don't have any piercings or tattoos, my room is anything but black, and I don't sit at the kitchen table like the way I described earlier. Although, I do wear dark clothing a lot, but it's mostly to not attract any attention to myself in public. 

All the kids at my school avoid me as much as possible except for my usual bullies. I will admit that I kind of understand because who would want to be friends with an antisocial mute girl? The only way I can speak is by sign language except my high school doesn't teach American Sign Language nor does it have another student who can't talk hence why I'm always alone. No one wants to talk to me since I can't vocally talk back. Even if I did respond in the way that I can they wouldn't be able to understand me and I'm not a confident person so I'm not much fun to be around anyways. Luckily, I do listen to music every single minute of the day even when I'm in class so I don't feel too alone. I have long, thick, curly hair so I'm able to hide the chord of my earbuds from my teachers and I don't think they care too much with my straight A's. Even when I'm not paying too much attention to the lectures, I still get really good grades as long as I take notes. I can figure everything out on my own and teach myself since I unfortunately, have all the time in the world for school and studying. 

Anyways, people say that life eventually gets better, but I don't think that's necessarily true. I think I just eventually get used to it. And by people I mean those female Instagram celebrities I'm always jealous of because of their confidence, beauty, and social-life. I know I'm not ugly per say, but if you put me in a room with other girls I'll definitely be overlooked. Social media is something that I do have, but never use to post pictures of myself. Rather, I enjoy posting about the music I'm into, piano covers of songs with my face hidden, some average-looking art I've painted, and outdoor photographs I've taken with a camera my mom worked really hard for to get me for my birthday. 

My life isn't horrible, I will admit that, but it's also not the best and not the life people dream of having. Hell, it's also not the life I want to have. I'm lucky to have the mother that I have and the home that I have, but I still feel alone. I am very grateful to even have my life because all my doctors said that I only had a 15% chance of living with the severe damage and injuries I gained from the accident. You wouldn't think that one accident could take so much of your life away from you. I never would have known how important the ability to speak was until I lost it. One will never know how important something is to them until they lose it forever. I want to fulfill my life and not just be alive everyday. I really want happiness in my life again and to bring happiness into other people's lives as well. I'm actually a kind and caring person that is a compliment I can give myself, but I don't get to show that very much since people always turn their backs on me before I get the chance.  

I would love to have friends again, I would love to have my dad back, and I would love to actually be in love with someone. All of that will never happen though because of one thing in my way.

One simple thing that I thought I would never lose.