Incurable

This feeling has no cure, just maintenance. When I say maintenance, it could be new Nike shoes, a new guitar, or a new girl.

In Batman v. Superman, Martha Kent said, "People hate what they don't understand." I hated the characters in the films that required a new love interest after losing someone. Why can't they live alone while continuing to love the one that got away? I'm in those characters' situation now. Ah, so this is how it is. To say it's over between the two of you. To have something beyond your control. You still want her, but there's no mutual effort. And because you love her, you don't want her to suffer by forcing yourself on her. All you could do was move forward with the pieces of yesterday.

I know Trixie, my officemate, could be a potential lover. She caught my interest. She's just like her. I repeated, she's like her! Again? I've noticed over the years that I easily fall for someone who dresses, talks, and has the same talent and skills as she does—you name it. But what's the use of those similarities if she's not you? 

Other than our day jobs, Trixie offers to be my business partner. We consistently promoted our products and gave quality service, thus the success.

Trixie also helped me raise funds when my father was hospitalized. And thankfully, he recovered.

We're both single, and I want to reciprocate her efforts and feelings. Everyone sees us as a "shop window couple" anyway. But just by thinking about it, I feel like I'm cheating on her, even though we're already over. No, it's more like I'm cheating on my own feelings. Because I know, my heart and mind belong to one girl.

Even if there is no more giddy feeling, even if she is with someone else, I still want her. I still love her.

Trixie and I finally went out on a date one Saturday afternoon. I was driving.

"Bakit ang lungkot naman ng mga tugtugan mo?" She chuckled, amused.

My initial thought was I was cursed. When I was a kid, there were love songs I used to listen to and like because of the melody. Now, listening to those made me understand the lyrics, and was proven wrong that they were not exaggerated. People wrote those words, and people listen to those songs because, in their lifetimes, they felt them. I wasn't cursed; I loved. I met a woman who made me feel things that others couldn't make me feel. And there are things that I only feel safe doing with her.

Trixie and I arrived at the mall and lined up at the cinema. She held my hand, I held hers back. But I hope it's you. She leaned on me, I chuckled, but I hope it's you I have near me. I wanna be in your arms. I rest my head and close my eyes.

Am I just addicted to you? Am I just gaslighting myself? It's been 5 years now, and I'm still thinking of you. And we didn't need to reunite for you to cross my mind because whenever I find myself being caught up with something else, I'll pause and remember us and imagine the moments that I want but won't happen.

I pointed at the monitor on the counter. "Where do you wanna seat?" I  looked at her, but she was already looking at me. I froze and felt guilty because, in her twinkling eyes, I saw us.

Trixie noticed it because the glimmer in her eyes started to fade. I want to reciprocate her efforts and love, I really do. I said I have moved on but I'm living with this incurable feeling.

When we were still together, you wrote on your tweet: Most people already know that joke, and it might be corny for some. But you released a music that became my all-time favorite: your laugh. I felt my lips overstretch along with my eyes as I heard it. There were more times like that, and that's when I realized that I was infected with your laughter. Even if I'm having a bad day, just seeing you happy will make all of my problems vanish in an instant.

Well, does he laugh the way I do? We both have new lovers now, but do you see me in his eyes too? Because if you do, I'm willing to be found and gathered back into your arms.

Along with the longingness is pain. I remember that I'm just your type—maybe I'm turning into someone like you. Picking those who resembles who. And doing the same old things with the new.

You tweeted the same, but this time you used the joke I told you to make him laugh. You even attached a photo where the two of you are standing close to each other; you're at the place I brought you before.

I heard that when people revisit places, they get deja vu. There's a high chance that you might be thinking of me. The pain increases as I become just a memory, but the hope rises as well at the chance that you remember me.

And in a split second, here I am romanticizing us again. I like you so much—everything about you. I knew I was in a danger zone.

Although it hurts that he'll be the one to receive your smile and the shoulder I used to lean on, there rests someone else's head. I hope you find real happiness. I'd still miss you and love you.

Just like the lines from Jae Hoon Won's short story Mendicancy in the Indian Ocean, "At times, we get to remember, and at other times reminisce. We learned by remembering while reminiscing teaches us a lesson." I realized that the couples who built a family but ended up divorcing were once sure of each other. Just like us, we were sure of each other but broke up. Being certain of someone does not guarantee that they are the one for you or that you will be with them forever.

And I have to let go.

Especially that I had done what I could to save us.

I can't use my car, so I commuted today. After I stepped down from the jeepney, I crossed a street to go home. The same street where you used to live.

After you told me you wanted to break up, I waited here. It was dark and raining. 

I looked up at the window of your room. For minutes, I thought I was in a third-person point of view dream, watching you inside that room with me. But it wasn't a dream, and it wasn't me in your room either.

It was my cousin. People often mistake us for twins because we look alike. He came back from the US two months ago.

You saw me under the street light, we locked eyes, but you didn't look twice. As if I'm just an illusion.

The light blinks until it completely dies. Just like your feelings for me that slowly slipped away until you didn't want me anymore.

I don't want to be alone here in the dark.

But I know I can't compete with my cousin. 

My senses returned to the present. The two of you got married and have been residing in the US for three years now.

I shook my head and focused on walking. I hope next time I'm in the dark, the memories of you won't follow me anymore.

I think of something else, like changing my maintenance.