catch me

part 3

I sat in my dorm, all the lights turned off, my roommate was gone for the weekend, giving me the space, I needed. For the past few days, I had felt like I was in mourning.

I missed Jake.

No texts, no phone calls, nothing.

I was scared I ruined our friendship.

I was so, so selfish, so stupid.

It was too soon, he was still upset about his breakup, and I decided to kiss him.

Kiss him!

Why, why, why?

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I quickly wiped them away with my hoodie sleeve.

I was frustrated, heartbroken and lost.

I wondered how long it would be like this.

Which one of us would break first and reach out?

I didn't know how long I wanted to wait to find out.

***

I went on with my life- the best I could anyways.

I went to my classes and to work, studied late in the library.

All by myself.

I never felt more alone. It was only the absence of Jake's presence in my life is when I realized how lonely I was. All my friends and family lived states away, and I wasn't super close with anyone else here.

I sat by the lake- our lake, and watched the remaining geese. Most had decided to go to a warmer south, these were the stragglers. It was cold now, almost December, the air had a bitter sting, I could feel my nose chill, and I prayed I wouldn't catch a cold. Suddenly I felt and ache in my chest. It felt like a knife, it twisted mercilessly. I missed him so much.

So damn much.

I wished he wasn't all I thought about.

All I wanted.

I impulsively grabbed my phone.

He had been posting cover videos on instagram, and they always cheered me up.

I refreshed my page, and sure enough he posted a new video...

***

The semester came and went, the holidays a blur. I went home to see my family.

My neighbor Iza, was home for the holidays, she was my childhood best friend and we decided got coffee to catch up. When she asked me about the "cute boy" who was always in my snapchat stories I reluctantly told her everything that took place over the last year.

She was the only person who asked me about Jake, the only one I really told anyways.

My parents asked if I made any friends, I lied. I told them me and my roommate were super close, when in all reality, I only saw her in passing.

We celebrated the New Year, Iza invited me to some party, some of our old mutual friends were there. As we stood counting down to the new year, I was alone. Iza brought her boyfriend and they stood out on the balcony, waiting for midnight.

"3, 2, 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!" The room yelled and couples kissed as music blared and fireworks exploded outside. I watched, gave a small smile to no one and sipped my drink.

I hated how alone I was. Hated how sad I still was.

I missed him.

On the way home Iza and her boyfriend laughed and talked in the front seat, I sat in the backseat with my legs pulled up to my chin.