Nathaniel

V

It was an average night except the fact I was listening to Nathaniel's sister talk to me about her life and the concerns she's had. I felt more than a therapist tonight I felt more like a friend whose consoling a friend's worries. Long ago I had quite a bunch of friend groups but over time work has gotten in the way and rent isn't cheap.
"Well," Jordyn took a breath, "I must go, it was very nice chatting with you. I hope we can meet up soon."
"I would like that." I say.
"Thanks again, for everything, my brother, and letting me rant to you." She laughs a bit at the end.
"It was a pleasure. I'm just glad we're on the same page and could help."
"You are truly a miracle."
"Thank you, I don't think Nathaniel would agree, but thank you."
She laughs, "right now he won't, he'll definitely warm up soon."
"Goodnight."
"Night Bridget."
Hanging up the phone I let out a sigh and looked up. The window was painted with blackness only with the twinkling of city lights appear.
I picked myself up and started get the dishes going, the call was necessary, but now I'm two hours behind schedule. Keeping a clean house makes a clearer mindset...I think.
The foaming sizzles of soap popped against my skin making me smile, ever since I was younger I loved playing with bubbles. Washing dish by dish I realized during my phone call with Jordyn not once did I ask if Nathaniel had any hobbies.

Next time.

While the night stayed the same dark shade my light from the apartment shielded it away, looking out through my large window that covered a whole wall I saw my tired reflection slumping back. 

----

The next day was just as rough as yesterdays all we did was stare at each other, what were we? Animals? Whatever we were doing, I wasn't going to back down, not yet at least. Was this a sorry excuse to stare at him? Yes. 

"Are you done staring at me?" I asked.

"Are you done asking questions?"

"No."

"Then you got your answer."

I sighed, closing my eyes, and combed through my hair in frustration. Once I opened my eyes I saw him still staring but this time he wasn't narrowing his eyes at me like he was figuring out how he could kill me without getting blood on his hands. These eyes seemed to explore me, but once I saw something different he turned back into his defensive self. 

"I want you to know this silence is insufferable." I say, rolling my eyes.

"Good, maybe it'll help you leave faster." The melancholy voice was still as smooth as when he threw that chair at me the other day.

"Hilarious," I huffed, "I talked to your sister last night."

With that he stiffened, "and why would you do that?"

"I'm still hired to help you, you know. I have privileges that may seem invasive." 

"How do one revoke those 'privileges'?" He asks, annoyed.

"No can do, but I think she should come visit you once you allow it. She really cares for you like you do for her. You did so much to keep your family safe that your sister feels guilty for not protecting you too." When I finished he was seething, one of his veins in his forehead was prominent as he shouted. 

"You made her talk about my past? You went against my will and consent to regain knowledge of my past?!" He held his fists with so much strength I was afraid he would cause blood.

"I am trying to help you, your sister wants to help you, I need to know this stuff to get you on the right track to help you."

"How many times do you need to hear this Bridget. I. DO. NOT. WANT. HELP." Nathaniel was now shaking in fiery, "you are nothing but a pest, all you care about is to get me better so you can get paid, there is nothing but a leech in that body of yours, you feed off my pain so then you can feel sorry for me then you go on your way to "fix" me. Your people do nothing but try to erase what has already been done, there is nothing to fix or save Bridget, just go on to your next victim. Half of these people in the psych ward will never see the outside world then eventually die; I'm just another soul that will die here." There was so many emotions swirling in his eyes and voice that it stunned her, not by his harmful words, but the way he said them. How Nathaniel has given up, it wasn't that he didn't want help (even with the amount of times he's said it) but he has given up on everyone and himself.

"Your quiet." He snickered.

"I just don't think that's true, you want to heal. It's like you refuse it because your scared." Right when I said those words, I regretted it. 

"You don't tell me that, especially when you're not in this state!" His fits shook in anger and he began sitting up. 

"That was not-"

"GET OUT! You are nothing but another worker for the devil. How can you call yourself a therapist when you can't even help others."

"How can I help others if my person doesn't comply!"

"GET OUT!"

"You're being unreasonable."

"And you have over stayed your welcome." 

I don't know when I found my self standing up or when he got up in my face, but here I was holding my hands on his hard chest while it trembles to stop him from getting too close. Once he got out of his trance he looked down and back at me before taking a step back.

 I let out a breath before speaking, "I'm sorry for over stepping your boundaries, I'm sorry you feel that way about therapists especially me, I'm sorry for all the pain in your life, I'm sorry for you father giving you all that pain when you were younger. You deserve none of this. I'll have myself transferred out once Christmas has past. There is nothing I want more than to help you Nathaniel. That's why I've gone nights barely without sleep as I research to see if I can pry any information so I can help ease your pain. I don't want to erase your past because it made you, well...you. All I do is help people with trauma focus their energy some place else, using your trauma to help others, to help cope, and eventually help you live out in the real world. I wished we could have been on better terms Nathaniel, I wish we could've." After I said my piece I began to leave. 

"How could you have helped me." He whispers behind me.

I paused, turning around slowly I met his gaze which were still narrowed at me. 

"I would ask you to just talk to me, anything, to help build a bond."

"Talking doesn't work." He grunts.

"Have you tried?" I ask, folding my arms.

"No."

"If you want it to work then you'll have to trust me, we can start that by not yelling at each other." 

"I regret asking, just leave" He begins moving to the other side of the room to create some space between us. 

"Nathaniel-"

"I'm in a psych ward! Can't you see, if they can't help me, neither can you. Leave!" He flew up his hands before aggressively pointing at the door. In his moment of anger a bit of his shirt sleeve rode up and it revealed a few tattoos. 

I didn't have time to ask about them nor did I want to right now, "If I thought there wasn't a way for you to get help. I wouldn't give up, I would've simply not have bothered." Turning on my heels, I went out the door.