Stay

Have you ever wondered why we close our eyes when we cry? When we pray? Or when we dream? Have you ever wondered why the most beautiful things in life are experienced with your eyes closed? I do it all the time. And one thing sticks out in my mind the most.

Death.

I think that death is beautiful, yet bitter. Have you ever thought about it? Death. Even the word sounds sickly sweet. Just, suddenly you're not here anymore. Suddenly you're gone. All the air and life is sucked right out of your body and you're not there anymore. You're either in Heaven or Hell.

My Hell, is living on this earth.

Everyday I hate it. Everyday I wake up and I try so hard to survive. Sometimes it's harder than it looks. Everyone at school hates me. They think I'm the weird kid that never talks to anyone, not even the teachers. The kid that always wears the oversized sweaters and looks down and only goes to school because she's afraid of what she might do to herself if she stayed home by herself all day long.

I'm not saying my parents don't care. They work all the time and they do care for me. They love me. They just don't have the time.

That helps me.

That helps me a lot.

If my mother or father found out what I did to myself, what I think about, what I dream about. They'd stick me into some kind of counseling or a support group.

I don't know why I am like I am. I guess it started in about 5th grade. I was happy, I laughed on a regular basis. I had friends, my family had time for me.

But happiness, I learned, didn't last forever. It never does. It always disappears whenever someone does something wrong. That's all it takes. Is someone else's wrong doings has a domino effect and it hits you and you fall, never to come back up.

Nicholas Jacobson.

My 5th grade best friend who got picked on regularly because he was gay, never ever showed any sign of what he was planning to do. He was always smiling and laughing and joking around. And one day, he didn't come to school which was odd. He never missed. And the next day, he didn't show. And then, finally, I heard what had happened to him.

He killed himself.

He took a whole bottle of his parents pain medication and only left a note that read...

"I want to sleep forever"

And that was that. He never talked to me about it or he never showed any sign of it.

It.

Suicide.

The next day they brought me into the guidance councilor's office and was talking to me about Nicholas. Then, I asked him why he did it. Why Nicholas did what he did.

"Maybe he felt like he couldn't talk to anyone about what was happening." Was his answer.

That's what the guidance councilor told me. That my best friend committed suicide because he couldn't talk to anyone about his problems. I sat and considered that for a moment. Then, I didn't feel like listening to home anymore and I got up and left. But, not before I whispered something to him.

"He could've talked to me." And with that I left.

The next day was his funeral. I sat in a pew with mom and dad, staring at the casket. Nicholas's parents were in the pew in front of us and they cried. Even his father. That was the day my innocence left me. I knew that the world wasn't all fun and games like I thought it was before.

The next day I sat in homeroom, beside the empty desk. Beside the desk that belonged to Nicholas Jacobson. My fifth grade best friend. The one who killed himself because he couldn't talk to anyone when he could've talked to me.

As I sat and stared at his desk, I realized I would never talk to him again. I would never hear his laugh. The jokes he made at his bullies.

I would never see him again.

And I just lost it. I started crying. I started yelling things like "He could've talked to me!" And the teacher took me outside in the hall and tried to comfort me. But, I just wouldn't calm down. I started hiccuping and slurring words that I couldn't make sense of. The teacher took me to the office and I had to come home.

After that, I stopped talking to anyone. I stopped doing work. Yet, I still got straight A's thanks to my little episode in fifth grade, no teacher ever had the heart to give me the grades I deserved.

In my sixth grade year I had completely shut off the world. No friends. No TV. No Internet. Just music. And that's when I began to cut.

It's a pretty sad thing considering that I'm a senior now and nothing's changed.

And nothing ever will.

_________________

Hellooooooooooooo.

My name is Audrey Grace, I'm new at Wattpad so please excuse me at anything stupid or was bad.

Buuuut. First Story.

I'll need 2 votes for the next chapter.

Small amount!

Will increase.

Looooove you all.

-AudreyGrace.