TW: mention of suicide
Taehyun
I am tired. I'm tired of everything. Mostly I'm tired of is - myself.
I don't know why but I feel super low right now. I feel like drowning myself. The pool of insecurity, feeling this immense lack of self-esteem, and trust issues towering up so much that I can't see anything else. I wanna wrap myself in a ball and never get out again. I feel so tired and done. I feel like crying.
I imagine myself climbing up the stairs to my roof and then jumping. I swear the amount of time I think of this is genuinely threatening. I'm shaking right now. I'm so sick of this. This pressure, this tension, this chaos of being never enough. I feel so horrible. I can't put it into specific words. My insides are ripping apart. I'm this close to going insane. I feel things so much that I hate feeling them. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm tired of being a doormat, I'm tired of being someone who's always, ALWAYS has, is, and will be the person to walk over and still won't complain. I want peace, only that. Is it too much to ask?
I don't want enemies. I just want peace. I don't want many friends. I don't know why but nothing feels genuine to me. Nothing. My friends compliment me, my friends care for me, and my friends genuinely love me. Nah, nothing makes me feel 'ah they truly love me,' It's always a 'do they? or they are doing and saying stuff just because they have to?'
I just want someone to know when and how to hold me, how to console me.
How to love me.
Someone who'd stay with me no matter what. The amount of times I've been taken advantage of and the times I've been backstabbed by my close ones is so many that I don't know who to trust anymore. No one seems genuine to me anymore.
I hate being a hopeless romantic in this world of shams. The world where the meaning of true love is just a game of how much one can hurt the other. The people I ever liked just used my affection to their advantage. I'm tired. I'm so tired of all this.
Then my final exams as a 12th grader are just the cherry on top. I have only 2 months left for the exams and then I have to apply for colleges. I still don't know shit. I'm such a failure. I'm a loser both academically and romantically. I am pathetic.
Why is living so hard?
I rant all of these to my one and only friend who I can rely on, even for a bit.
After 10 seconds of silence, Kai says taking a deep breath, "Taehyun-ah, you need to get laid."
...
This bitch.
"Do you wanna die?" I scream.
"Before exams? Yes, please. Kill me." Kai humorlessly laughs, "But Taehyun-ah, you need to get laid. Being a virgin is killing you. You need to have an orgasm."
I laugh; very loud and harshly.
"I COULDN'T GET A SINGLE BOYFRIEND IN THESE 19 YEARS OF MY DREADFUL LIFE AND THIS BITCH TELLS ME TO GET LAID. BITCH YOU THINK I'M ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH TO BE FUCKED BY SOMEONE WHEN NO ONE APPROACHES ME AT ALL?! NOT EVEN AS FRIENDS? THIS CRAZY BASTARD-"
I breathe. I swear I'm gonna kill Kai one day.
"Hookup exists dumbo. Also, dude you ARE attractive and that's on period. People would be a fool to not find you attractive. I feel like you, yourself are not ready for commitments thinking they might not be the one. You are too scared to even try because of what you've been through. I get it. BUT YOU NEED TO GET LAID. You need to relieve this stress by having an orgasm. Trust me, It feels amazing-"
