If you don't want to waste your time please skip to chapter 1.
Welcome non-skippers.
Here I have for you...
RAM
Heyyyyy, 'Ronica.
VERONICA
Ugh. You got a left hand? Use it.
KURT
Don't talk mean like that.
RAM
You'll hurt their feelings.
You make my balls so blue.
KURT
You hurt them badly.
RAM
You make my balls so blue.
KURT
They're hangin' sadly.
RAM
What did they do to you
that you hate them so?
KURT
Don't run from me --
They're all beat up
KURT & RAM
like a tackling dummy!
KURT
They long for your embrace!
RAM
They're warm like mittens!
KURT
They'll curl up on your face
RAM
and purr like kittens!
KURT
You make my balls so blue!
KURT & RAM
Just look at them glow...
RAM
We're beggin' you!
KURT & RAM
Don't make my balls so blue.
VERONICA
Heather...? Heather...? Open the door.
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA
Oh no, oh no no no!
VERONICA
Open the door!
HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA
Oh no, oh no no no!
KURT
You make my balls so blue,
so please say hello!
RAM
Hold 'em!
KURT
Enfold 'em,
KURT & RAM
and never let go!
KURT
Once you were geeky and nerdy,
RAM
but they knew you're dirty.
KURT
You've set them on fire,
KURT & RAM
Whatever you require they'll do!
So take 'em home to meet your parents!
RAM
They'll wear a suit and tie,
KURT
and a fancy collar!
RAM
They'll sing a lullaby:
KURT & RAM
La la la la la!
Please make these balls not blue,
RAM
Just for a while!
KURT
Can't wait till later,
KURT & RAM
my pants are rubbin'
like a hot cheese grater!
(VERONICA offers a bottle to RAM)
VERONICA
Look. Booze. Drink!
KURT
Aw, thank you so much!
VERONICA
You're welcome.
(KURT & RAM chug from the bottle)
RAM
They will protect you.
KURT
Defend you.
RAM
Respect you.
KURT
Befriend you --
RAM
Like Winnie-the-Pooh!
HEATHER DUKE & MCNAMARA
Winnie-the-Pooh!
KURT
Baby baby baby they're so blue!
RAM
My balls will work for you.
KURT
They will obey ya!
RAM
They really need rescue!
KURT
Like Princess Leia!
KURT & RAM
Baby, you gots to come through.
KURT
Teach them to smile!
RAM, HEATHERS
You got no clue how much
these two depend on you --
Please help them through!
KURT & RAM
My balls are in your court!
MAC & DUKE
My balls are in your court!
KURT & RAM
Yeah!
MAC & DUKE
You make them balls so blue!
KURT & RAM
You make my balls so blue!
MAC & DUKE
You make my balls so blue!
KURT & RAM
Ow! Ow!
MAC & DUKE
You make them balls so blue!
KURT & RAM
You make my balls so blue!
MAC & DUKE
You make my balls so blue!
You shake them,
you quake them,
KURT & RAM
Good God!
MAC & DUKE
You break --
KURT & RAM
My balls!
You make my balls so blue!
MAC & DUKE
You make my balls so blue!
You take them,
KURT & RAM
Lookit! Lookit!
Lookit! Lookit!
MAC & DUKE
You bake them,
Chrissake --
KURT, RAM, MAC, DUKE
You make my balls so blue!
Please make their dreams come true,
and make these balls not blue!
You're welcome!
YOU ARE READING
The King Is Just a Puppy
RomanceThis is fanfiction for a story that doesn't exist ... yet. Why? Because I'm a mythic bitch. (THIS IS SATIRE BY THE WAY) Dedicated to my friend Clara.
