My Not So Secret Journal

Entry 1: Just Fine

It is a relief that today I can say I am happy. If someone were to ask me, "Are you okay?" I wouldn't lie when I said yes.

But there's that one issue. Happiness cannot exist without sadness. 

It's terrifying, I think, to anyone recovering from depression or getting treatment, when we are at a point in our lives where it is under control, and suddenly we feel sad. Because sadness for us has always been devastating, incapacitating even. So when that chest feeling creeps up we panic, we think we are getting bad again, that we won't be able to get out of bed tomorrow, that we won't clean as we planned or get work done. 

It's terrifying because we then search and search for a reason. Why am I sad? What's causing this? What's going to happen? We are so used to attaching our sadness to something, that we look for a cause. Because right? Logically, the entire world is based on cause and effect, just as our sadness used to be. I feel like I'm not enough so I am sad. I feel like a burden so I am sad. I said something I shouldn't so I am sad. Someone said something that irked me a bit so I am sad. Someone is just slightly off so I am sad. Right? That's how we had wired our brains. 

Now though, sadness isn't so permanent or even logical. Most of us still are predicted and expected to have our depressed days or even just moments because they are controlled by medication or therapy. So when we do feel sad, we don't understand it like normal people.

Neurotypical people, it's funny, they just say, "It's one of those days," or "I'm having an off day." That's all it is to them, isn't that so swell for them? They are sad and they just shrug it off, try to make themselves feel better, and move on. Us though; the neurodivergent or the depressed or anxious, our sadness is complex, like a math equation. And if I know our community, we fucking suck at math. 

We turned sadness or anxiety into an equation so when we are in recovery or receiving treatment and we are just having "an off day" or "one of those days" it does not compute in our heads. It takes a bit longer to process, and sometimes in the early stages of getting better, it gets the best of us. 

I guess this is me coming to terms with, "Just having an off day." It is okay for us to feel sad or anxious, but to remember that it never has to be as bad as it use to be. We are getting better, we are seeking help and really that's the hardest step. And if you are depressed, anxious, or neurodivergent unmedicated, it's okay. Take your time. I think the hardest thing we go through when getting help is when people try to rush us into it. 

Being sad is okay, just as long we recognize how to control it.

Truly,

Alissa