Back to School Romance

Flashback

Stephanie was trashed, again, it was easier to be drunk all the time than to have to feel, or live her life. She somehow had found herself back in her old neighborhood, stumbling around between her high school and old apartment, even though they should be at least a mile apart. Maybe she should just stumble over towards one of those oncoming buses. That would really stop her having to think about the last few years. As she stumbled over towards the crowded street, she saw numerous faces reaching towards her to stop, but her mind willed her to keep moving.

Before she could take the final step, Stephanie was pulled out of the dream. She found herself covered in sweat, jumping from her bed in a panic. Her mind and heart were racing and she could not catch her breath. What had brought the nightmares back?

Stopping herself for a moment, Steph focused in on her breathing. That was something she knew she could control - in for 3, out for 3, in for 3, out for 3, in for 4, out for 4, in for 4, out for 4, in for 5, out for 5...ahhh...ok, that calmed one thing.

Steph grabbed her phone to check the time, looking around her tiny studio apartment. It was 3 in the morning. Seeing her phone also reminded her of the text from her mom earlier today that likely brought on the nightmare. She didn't talk to her mom much, seeing as how their relationship had been stressed from the time she could remember. Steph had been an inconvenience to her mom, who was so hyper focused on men that a kid was not what she wanted. Her mom had texted to check if Steph had finally 'won Ricky back' since he was such a 'catch'.

Ricky was what had got her to this point, well, that and her upbringing...

Just a year ago Stephanie had been a drunk. She was self-medicating her depression and anxiety with alcohol. It was a time she really didn't like to think about, but it was there...it was partially what had brought her back to school. She needed to hit her rock-bottom - out of work, facing eviction, and losing almost everything, to find a new drive for life.

How had she even managed to survive for years as a drunk, she didn't know. One of the AA mentors she had blitzed through claimed she was so smart it was bad for an alcoholic. She was able to highly function through it all, at least for a while.

Five years ago, Stephanie had her world implode. She was left awash at 27 with nothing left, so she had turned to drinking. Interestingly, even though she had drank her feelings away (and almost her life), Stephanie had only ever had one relationship before, dated one person, had sex with one person...Ricky.

Stephanie had met Ricky when she was 15 and was immediately smitten with the machismo he radiated. Ricky was almost 18 and on the school football team, even though he had been held back at least once for not attending school regularly. Steph was searching for stability, after having been moved from family member to family member since she was around 5. Every so often her mom would come back for a stretch, between her latest boyfriend and the next dependency relationship she made. It was never for long and Steph would be moved to another relative. Later on she would learn that it was at least better than some of the foster care stories school friends shared. Their high school really was a dump in the city. Minimal funding for the "lowest class" around.

Ricky probably wasn't the best choice for stability, but they seemed to work well together. The two of them started dating before she was 17 and they became a pair, they became the support that each other needed in life. While Steph put all her effort into supporting Ricky for close to 10 years, he did the same...for himself. Stephanie was a great student and was offered a scholarship to the local community college. She didn't take it so that she could support Ricky as he went to a trade school and became a mechanic. It was his dream to work on cars, while Stephanie didn't have any dreams. As Ricky branched out and tried new things, Stephanie became dependent on him as her only thing - her only link to the world, her only source of accomplishment, her only need or want was his approval. Stephanie could see this now, could see herself falling into the same behaviors as her mom, but at the time she couldn't. She couldn't see what was happening as months turned to years, turned to a decade where she never thought about herself or what she wanted.

By the time they hit their late 20s, Ricky had moved away from her...well at least mentally and emotionally if not physically. On her 27th birthday, he cut the cord and dumped her. It was a traumatic event for her as he listed out how she had no purpose and was pulling him down. He was going to get a raise and promotion to manage the car repair shop. She was still just an office assistant that only complained about her job and had no friends but him. Ricky was tired of being her only friend, her only support, her only connection.

Stephanie went comatose for a few days. She didn't really remember much for a few months in there actually. It was when she started drinking so she wouldn't have to feel the pain. She had lived with Ricky since she turned 18 and when he left, she was lost. An acquaintance from work set her up with the studio apartment she now lived in. Lacy's sister had been moving out around the same time, so Stephanie could take over the lease. Otherwise, Steph wondered if she would have spiraled quickly into homelessness. Instead, it was a more gradual spiral into alcoholism and depression that lasted 3-4 years.

When she finally lost her job a year ago, Stephanie had to take a long look at where and what she was. It wasn't pretty. Steph had never thought about what she wanted. She had never dreamed of anything, had never looked beyond Ricky's dreams. So, Stephanie had joined an AA group for a bit, until she found a good medium for herself. Goals and purpose is one thing she needed. Her new goal was to get an education. She wasn't sure if she wanted to teach middle school or go into counseling, since she struggled with mental health and wanted to help others before they faced similar experiences to hers.

Steph sighed...better get back to sleep, tomorrow would be another long day of school, work, and homework...but at least it was another day to push towards her goals, she would do this. She would dream big and for herself.