Summer runaway [SHORT VERSION]

Pilot.

Love /lʌv/:

a variety of intense and pleasant emotional and psychological states, ranging from the loftiest virtue or a good habit to the deepest interpersonal attachment to the most basic pleasure.

Pure, clean... But that's not always the case. Or so it wasn't for me. The most perplexing aspect of my personality is that pain makes me joyful. Suffering has something lovely about it, something elevating... How I envision suffering - neon light, two extraordinarily lovely eyes, painfully quiet, not gazing anywhere, some kindness, prayer, and commitment in them, the neon makes them look black, but they may be brown, blue, or even green. With everything they've been through, it's a sad agreement, not a reconciliation. And two nude to the elbows hands clutch a big tumbler of beer. This is distress. I've witnessed pain. It was right next to me - on the table. And how I had desired it. It ruins you. Until there's nothing left to ruin. I invited her. I pulled the chair, and let it have a seat...

Deceived.

I don't want to live blindly...Everything is so cursed, somewhere on the inside, from the depths of life, it smells rotten. But I want to believe there are worthy people, people pure and irreplaceable. If there really are, they must be unhappy...

The human being is negligible. Negligible. It wanders its entire life and battles to make something, but it can't escape the confines of its own human existence. If every individual were a sun or a planet... I'm not sure why, but I've always been quite happy. I dislike people who require a certain cause to be happy, fall in love, or achieve something. My happiness has been so agonising at times that I've hardly resisted it in order to survive and avoid becoming tired by its infuriating force. I remember the first day. We were innocent strangers. Then suddenly... Everything changed over just weeks. Quietly, whispering in my ear, slowly but painfully hypnotizing me into your plays. I went down at night last to talk to you. My day was starting again, firstly talking to you. It was a loop. A loop I never thought would end. You feel the pain after you get hit. That's right. Love had blinded me way too badly. I was practically blind. I couldn't see how that aim for a dream relationship was rotting me from the inside. Tearing me apart. It was like paper cut after paper cut. At one point, it's an entire wound it's created. And then it finishes you. You bleed out. Your emotions explode. All of them are ripped into little pieces. You go after everyone, trying to pick it up and glue it back together. Yourself. A million pieces of your heart. Shattered like glass. Multiplied. You see your reflection in every corner.

The disgust of yourself once you realise what you allowed to happen. The sea did not slumber till the following morning. She cried for a long time for her dead kid... I was that kid when he cut ties. It waited for the morning with close grief in its heart. You were able to hear, the aggressive waves crashing against the sea coast. Splashing its feelings all along the way. The water, the sand. The sand soaks it in. The sand was him. He soaked in all of my happiness. It was too much to bear. After countless months of crying, bloody red-shot eyes, and sleepless nights in thought. ''Was I stupid to love you?'' ''Have I fallen for a lie?'' Those lyrics were haunting me. He slammed the door. Leaving all of these thoughts in my head. Art. Love is a beautiful type of art. It can have so many emotions and perspectives. Just like any other regular art. Every person sees something in art. Everyone sees something different. The artists see what their aim was to draw. He knew what he had drawn. He had drawn the line. I was left with pain behind it.

I felt your gaze in my name. Guilt, pain, realisation. That's what hit you back. Nothing I did went unseen. I feel your stares, your disapproval or your sigh of relief. I adjusted myself to your standards. I am not sure if I hit a critical point, but I couldn't do anything more to change. Except damaging myself. ''We make assumptions about people based on their size, we decide who they are, we decide what they're worth. Is my value based only on your perception?'' I was overheated.

To be continued...