givin enough

the story of Casper

You know I used to be a really happy and cheerful girl, I loved everyone and everyone loved me. But people change you know people go from people you know to people you don't. People change right before your eyes, but in the not as common case people change them self's. And that's exactly what I did that's what I've done to myself. I should introduce myself I'm casper no not casper the ghost, I hate when people say that. Anyway I'm getting ahead of my self I'm sorry here's my story. The time I'm talking about this I'm currently 14 years old but from when a lot of this started I was 10, okay I think it's time I get into my story. I live with my mom at this time and still do currently but I don't always think she likes me a lot she blames me for my dad leaving but she has a new boyfriend and at least he treats me like I'm human. My mom's doesn't support me if you know what I mean but she's not that important to my story. It's mostly to blame from school I don't fit in, I really don't fit in anywhere really but mostly at school and I really don't have many friends. Until one day there was a new girl at our school I had noticed she was always looking at me and kinda just eyeing me. It was kinda odd but I just figured she heard rumors about me like I said I really didn't have any friends but I really didn't care to be honest. But one day I noticed the new girl started walking towards me she had looked at me and said "hey I'm Amara I'm kinda new if you didn't know, but I was wondering if you would want to be friends. " I looked at her and said "you want to be friends with me. " I paused for a minute to think about what to say the continued "if you haven't noticed I'm kinda of the loner/loser of our grade I don't think you wanna be friends with me it may ruin your new reputation. " she looked kinda shocked when I said this about my self but she said to me " I don't care about all that I think everyone needs a good friend. " "I'll think about it Amara. " I said as I started to walk away "okay good bye" she said with a big smile on face. She was kinda cute I thought to myself but I know she's probably just fake like everyone else is and have been I don't need anyone. Then the next day came and the same thing happened she came over to me in the morning and said "hey have you made your choice, i know your say yes cause I'm so cool" she said with a proud smark on her face. " look Amara I think your really cool and all but I really don't think you wanna be friends with me. " she looked kinda puzzled and looked confused "what of course I wanna be friends with you I think your really cool" look Amara I don't think you do because. " I stopped talking and looked down for a  minute and said "look I'm a loser who no one likes you don't wanna be friends with me it won't last I'm a complete weirdo I don't need friends I don't want friends and I really don't need you I've made it this far on my own and I don't need someone holding me back. " she looked like she was gonna start crying when I said this I felt kinda bad but I didn't care at that time. "Now if you excuse me I got to get going. " I said as I walked away and she just stood there and looked at me while I walked away.  The day went by and I noticed she was basically looking at me any chance she got. But the next day she didn't come up to me in the morning nor did she the next day or the next for the next week she didn't talk to me at all. I felt bad but I didn't care I didn't care about her one bit. But one day she came up to me and said "look I know you want nothing to do with me but I feel we should have a friend ship and I feel you should at least give me a cha-" I cut her off and said "okay fine I'll give you 1 chance but that it, okay?" She smiled one of the biggest smiles I've seen and said "yay I promise you won't regret this thank you so much" she gave me a hug then ran away skipping. What just happened, I think I just got a hug? I kinda forgot what they feel like but it felt good I guess. Then I noticed a piece of paper in my pocket what a slight fox it was her phone number on a piece of paper with a little heart and smiley face. It was the end of the day so I had walked home and on my way there I was putting her number into my phone and texted her "hey it casper from school".

It took her a while to answer but when she did she said "omg heyyyyy, I was thinking you wouldn't text me" "yeah I wasn't gonna at first but changed my mind ig" "sooooo what your saying is you had a change of heart for me so sweet" "don't get your hopes up. " "okay okay fine, ttyl? " "sure" she's so annoying. But also kinda love able, but I'm not letting myself fall in love. Then I realized something. I forgot to tell her something about me so I got back on my phone and texted her " hey I realized I forgot to tell you something early. " she responded really fast "ohhhh secrets spilllllllll" "okay so I'm kinda trans.... "  it took her a few minutes to respond this time "oh that's really cool I so support you bestie" well that makes me feel a lot better it's always hard for me to come out to new people. Then I saw she texted me something I opened it and it said "well if it also makes you feel better I'm bi" "that's amazing and so cool" I respond. Wow I guess she's actually a really cool person, or so I thought. A bit of time passes by and me and her actually become really close and good friends but before I knew it me and her had been friends for a year almost two now but she had started to seem more distanced from me and started texting me less. I knew something was up, so I asked her what's been going on with her and she had just got mad at me and yelled at me and said stuff like how I'm a bad friend. So I distanced us from each other if I'm such a bad friend then she can have a bad friend. then another year passed and me and her got even more distanced from each other, and if I'm being honest I really missed her I missed my only friend. But knowing myself it was probably all my fault like everything always is. I hate myself so fucking much, I wish I was dead sometimes not all the time but what have I done to deserve this what have I done. Years have passed since this has happened I'm now 14. And now amaras a bitch she turned into one of those popular ass holes who no one likes except for the other boys. It's so stupid, but whatever it's not like I care. I had gotten to school one day and I was at my locker  then I see out of the corner of my eye here comes little miss bitchy. Before she had finish walking over here I turned around and looked at her and said "what do you want bitch." "That's a rude way to talk to someone like that plus I'm still your best friend so you shouldn't talk to me like that. " "first of all your not ever since you became this bitch who only cares about herself and her looks, I would be ashamed if I called you my best friend and your never gonna be. Now will you just leave me alone and run back along to your other bitchy friends it not like you need me anymore." She started looking sad so I said "aww are you gonna cry do you need a tissue oh you wouldn't wanna cry it would ruin your so pretty and perfect makeup plus crying doesn't look good on you. " she started tearing up I felt bad but didn't care. "Look you don't have to be such a bitch to me you know I wish you were a better friend." She started to walk away but I had have enough. "OKAY WELL MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T ALWAYS SUCH A BITCH AND TREAT ME LIKE SHIT YOU GO AROUND AND SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT ME JUST LIKE ALL YOUR FRIENDS DO AND YOU DON'T ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT ME I KNOW YOU AND I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T CARE YOU NEVER FUCKING CARED AMARA!" I yelled this to her in the hallway she looked really embarrassed and just said with tear coming down her face like a water fall "well good job you asshole you just lost me like you lost every one else. " she walked away before I could say anything else. People still staring at me I thought to myself, well fuck her I don't need her I never needed her and I don't need her now. I slammed my locker and just went to class and went the whole day avoiding her and she avoided me. When I got home I saw my mom sitting on the couch it looked like she was waiting for me. "Lily what is this. " "mom I already told you I don't go by that name anymo-" I stopped my self when I noticed my report card in her hands. Shit, shit shit SHIT. I'm fucking dead, "look lily your FUCKING FAILING ALL YOU CLASSES! " she said while starting to stand up and walk over to me "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A FAILURE WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE SMARTER WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BEHAVE AND ACT HOW YOU SHOULD I'M SICK OF THE TRANS AND GAY SHIT I'M SICK OF YOUR GRADES I'M SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTED IN YOU SOME TIMES I WISH I NEVER HAD I WISH YOU WERE FUCKING DEAD. " I couldn't even look at her I'm eyes we're red from crying and I was trying to be quiet while crying. "I'm so-" "JUST SHUT UP I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR STUPID APOLOGIES, NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STUDY OR JUST DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR USE YOU FAILURE. " then, she hit me. I just walked away from her and went to my room but that night I made a decision with my self the next time im near a bridge I should jump off of it. I was fucking pissed. I was on my phone for the rest of the night until around 1 In the morning I had an idea, I took the scissors from a draw in my dresser and I went snip snip snip. and off a lot of it went I cut my hair to make it look more like a boy cause mom wouldn't let me get it cut. then I picked out my outfit for the next day of school, I found the most boyish clothes I could find. when morning came I took a shower and washed my new hair and also got one of the extra still on my neck and stuff. I got out and put on the clothes I picked our from the day before. then I grabbed my bag put on my headphones and turned it up all the way while listening to parents by Youngblood. I didn't even look at my mom on my way out I could hear you say little band saying stuff about how I looked but I really didn't care when I was about to leave I yelled "FUCK YOU. "I could hear her yelling even louder when I started walking to school when I got to school the first thing I did was I looked for amara. but I didn't see her at all so I had left her a note in her locker. The school day was pretty boring plus I skipped most of my classes anyway then the day was over I took a different way to walk home that day I really didn't wanna go home so I had stopped at my favorite ice cream place and got some ice cream. Then started walking home again then I stopped and sat down for a while. And just enjoyed the view when I finished my ice cream I found a place to leave my last note I had sat my book bag down by a rock so I sat the note next to it with a little more smaller rock on it. Then I stud up nice and high I felt the wind on my face and I saw the prettiest view I had ever seen. I thought to myself I think this worlds better if I wasn't such a failure you know. Then as i felt my eyes shut and all the memories of this dreadful life began to fade away. i felt at peace with the fact i could no longer be hurt. So I just turned and looked and I let go saying my last words "welp I guess people can now call me Casper the ghost. " the last thing I remember was feeling the cool autumn breeze as a feel then I remembered something, I realized amara was never a bitch it was always me. But it was to later to make that change cause before I knew it I felt the cold water then. I felt a rock hit my head then before I knew it I was gone.