The Broken Memories

Chapter 2

 I cannot stop thinking about what happened. What always happens.

 I feel so empty. I'm tired. I don't know why but I'm tired. "Write it down, get it all out" my mother would constantly say to me every time she would find me like this because I did not speak of it to her. But I feel nothing, what is there to let out if there isn't anything felt to begin with. I'm tired and hollow inside. My arms ache, and my legs cannot make the movements they are meant for. The straps of my slip-on night dress are drenched in sweat, my mouth is dried shut and I cannot bother myself to utter a word anyway. 

I lay on my bed not feeling the light bedspread under me or the pillow I've firmly pressed on my thigh. I'm staring at nothing. I close my eyes, hard, tears form at the crinkles of my eyes wetting my lashes leaving a slight dampness to my eyelids. 

The first thing I feel since waking up.

 I sigh and manage to convince myself to get up, dragging myself out of bed feeling like it's a chore. I wince at the coldness of the floor on my feet and at the sudden return of feeling to my skin. My feet wobble as I make my way to the parts of a chair that I can make out which seems to be positioned near my desk at an odd angle. The heavy curtains block away most light. I strain my eyes, struggling to make sense of whatever is in my way, I'm desperate to find somewhere I can place my body that now feels incredibly heavy. A sharp pain shoots through my leading leg, fast but the impact feels incredibly huge. 

The second return of feeling on my body since I have awakened.

 I limp on my right leg, grasping the other one with both my hands, waiting for the pain to subdue. A part of me makes an impact with the arm of the chair, my legs once again lose their sense of function. I'm falling. Everything aches. I'm in pain, I'm angry now. I'm tearing up as well, I do not understand why I am crying. 

The third return of feeling, my emotions. 

This overwhelms me. Everything sinks into me all at once and I cannot take it all and so here I am laying on the cold concrete floor of my room embracing myself in the fetal position comforting myself, crying waiting for everything to subside.

And then it stops. All at once. I do not feel it anymore, the pain feels like it vanished as quickly as it came. The tears stop flowing, the well that contained them all dried up for today's serving, awaiting to refill for tomorrow's. I'm still on the floor, it's not cold anymore, the heat radiating from my body has submerged with the floor and I'm embraced by it, the cold remains of my tears trail down to the curve of my breast, it trickles my skin in a soothing way.

I do not want to remember him. I force that statement into my brain again. I do not want to think of him or the dream. I cannot force both through, so I let one of the two slip past my consciousness, every once in a while, one of the two tends to comfort the turmoil the other one ceases to cause.