Mess To Be Made

24

WARNING: This chapter contains sexual and physical assault.

I knew the way to the patio, where Rachel and Lindsay, and surely Sean and all the basketball guys were. I wanted to go there. Yet my lungs felt heavy at the thought. So I found myself climbing one of the staircases in Landon's house.

The nice thing about a mansion is there are many places to hide. And, as someone who's been to Landon's house many times for parties, and who he considers a friend, I knew all the bathrooms that wouldn't have a line of ten drunk, gossipy girls standing in wait.

There was one bathroom near Landon's bedroom that most people didn't know about—unless you were in our "friend" group of course.

I'd spent time in this bathroom on numerous occasions with different girl friends—some laughing, some crying. Now, I found myself there alone. The spinning vortex I lived with constantly had slightly subsided thanks to the alcohol. But I could feel it creeping back in. The nausea in me was returning and I could feel the spinning of my mind close behind.

I had a few sips left of my vodka soda and easily downed the liquid, wishing I had gotten more while I was downstairs.

I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked hot. Maybe pretty even.

Fucking beautiful. I heard Tyler's voice in my head.

I shut my eyes and scoffed at myself. I wasn't beautiful.

I took a long hard breath in and out to calm my thoughts. Like I preached to Spencer, I should lighten up. It's a party. I reopened my eyes and then opened the bathroom door.

I've felt my stomach flip, my heart stop, my throat constrict. All at the same time. I've felt that before. But nothing can compare to the feeling of every single organ in you falling to the floor in a single second, like suddenly the simple concept of gravity crumbled your entire existence. It takes your breath away because it literally takes the breath out of you. Your lungs are simply gone.

It's happened to me twice before. Once was a few weeks ago, when I saw my mom having sex with another man. The other time was the summer before freshmen year.

I knew it might happen again. I just wasn't expecting it tonight.

Landon standing in the doorway of the bathroom, with both hands on either side of the doorframe, wouldn't look wrong or weird to anyone else. We were in the same friend group. We'd had sex. Anyone walking by probably wouldn't look twice. And why should they? We were friends, after all.

We were friends.

Yet my entire being, everything that kept me functioning, was dead at my feet as I stared at him. He wasn't just standing in the doorway. The look in his eyes, the smile on his face. It was clear. He was trapping me. And I feared that I didn't even stand a chance.

I plastered my smirk on my face because it was the only thing I had left. Hiding my shaking hands behind my back, I said, "Hi, Landon."

"I thought I saw you come up here," he murmured and one hand darted out to grab my waist.

I pulled away on instinct. My heart ran a mile a minute as my own mind yelled at me. Why the fuck was I pulling away.

Give them what they want.

I never pulled away. Don't pull away.

Of course, Landon took this as a challenge and before I could process was what happening he was in the bathroom, pressed up against me with the bathroom door shut behind him. Click.