change

change. | 09

The city rushes by outside your window, steely buildings and drab gray concrete beneath an overcast sky. Off in the distance, skeletal black trees rise up, signaling your imminent departure from the city. The train is surprisingly empty for a Saturday morning, and you tear your gaze away from the landscape momentarily to glance around at the other travelers sitting around the train car. You imagine everyone else has already made it home to their families for the holidays, and you can’t help the frown that mars your face at the thought.

You miss Jungkook. You miss his wide brown eyes that sparkle brighter than all the stars in the sky and his grin that shows off his prominent teeth. You miss his soft, melodious voice and the way he cackles way too hard at his own dumb jokes. This train ride would be much less agonizing with company—and yet, when you think about who you want by your side, it isn’t Jungkook.

It’s Taehyung.

Pulling your phone out of your pocket, you wake the screen and thumb over to your text messages. Your fingers itch to tap on the coppery-haired man’s name, but you have no idea what you would say. After what he’d witnessed last night, you doubt whether or not he’ll ever be able to look you in the eye again. His awkward departure from your apartment weighs heavy on your heart, and you deliberate for a few more seconds before scrolling down and tapping on your best friend’s name instead.

[9:08am] You: I’m on the train now.

[9:08am] Jin: Good! Text me when you get there. And say hi to your parents for me!

[9:09] You: Will do

The little gray ellipses pop up, signaling that Jin is typing. You watch the three dots dance, tapping on your screen when it dims, and finally, after what seems like an eternity, his message comes in. All at once, the reason for his hesitance becomes crystal clear, and you wince as you read the words for a second time.

[9:11] Jin: How are you holding up?

You’d told your best friend everything this morning—the story spilling out as soon as he’d texted you to make sure you were awake to catch your train. His concern is tangible even via text, and you let out a heavy sigh before responding. I’m okay, you write slowly, your thumbs hesitantly tapping across the keys.

[9:12am] Jin: You sure you don’t want me to come over? I can and will get on the next train out there

You huff out a wry laugh, knowing very well that Jin has been looking forward to visiting Namjoon’s family for weeks. Don’t be stupid, you tell him bluntly, ignoring the stubborn pang of hurt that has taken up residence in your chest. Have a good time with Joon and his family, okay?

Plopping your phone down on the armrest, you rummage through your bag for your headphones. The train rumbles onward, but it’s easy—and almost therapeutic—to drown out the noise with your favorite playlist. Propping your chin in your palm, you direct your attention to the dreary landscape outside, tuning out the rest of the world as you hurtle ever closer to your destination.

Your parents are waiting for you on the platform when your train pulls into the station, bundled tightly in their warmest clothing and wearing cheerful smiles. Their faces crease when you disembark alone, smoothing out into understanding moments later. You hate seeing the pity shining in their eyes, but the warmth of their embrace is enough to temporarily banish any lingering negativity. It feels wonderful to be in their arms, and you breathe in the scent of your mother’s perfume as she clings onto you tightly.

“It’s so good to see you, sweetie,” she says after a few moments, pulling back from the hug to get a look at your face and beaming as she fusses with your scarf. You wonder, briefly, if she can hear the frantic patter of your heart against your ribcage. “How was the train ride?”