The Silent Scream

She Used To Be Mine

It's been a week. I've been thinking about what to write, and nothing creative came to my mind.

Why?

Cuz what I was trying to write is not a story. It's a letter.

For whom?

Well... It's a letter to a girl whose head was filled with thousands and thousands of dreams and aspirations, her small yet big heart full of hopes and without a scratch.

To the girl who...who believed in shooting stars, fairies and everything magical.

To the girl who cried her lungs out just because of a small scratch on her knee, thought chocolates and sea shells are more valuable than money...who used to sleep, huddled next to her parents... scared of the dark.

Who didn't know what faking was...

To the girl who's gone but used to be mine...

To my past self.

..........................................

Hey June,

I know you're doing well and living the best days of your life.

I guess brother is still trying to stand without falling flat on his chubby face and as far as I remember, you've taken it as your responsibility that you'd be the one who teaches him to walk.

Guess what? Yeah, you were the one who taught him to walk. You were the happiest person in this damned world when he came wobbling to hug you for the first time.

But remember, he isn't the Krishna you had asked your mother for.

He's a pain in the ass now.

Aunts from both the sides of our parents' family still pamper you, without judging or body shaming you. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Mother still hugs you and kisses you good night, scolds or hits you once in two months. Treats you afterwards.

Don't get habituated to that, my love.

Grandma still feeds you with her own hand while spinning the stories of sleeping princess, dragons and prince, singing songs and poems.

She'd be the one who would humiliate you and your dreams the most with the sweetest words possible.

You still sleep with grandpa in the afternoon, pleading and whining till he gives in and starts with the random tales of Ramayana and Mahabharata which you already know by heart.

His tales were always exciting but now, his hurting and rude comments about your personality would have the exact opposite effect.

Father... He loves you but it's this love that is gonna get so suffocating, you'd wish you were never the child who was held at so high esteem in his eyes.

He's gonna love you so much, get his hopes so high that it would be almost next to impossible for you to reach his heart...

And the rough looking gentle boy who swore never to hurt you and always protect you... don't get too close to him.

Actually, don't get too close to anyone who says they'd never ever hurt you. Beware of them.

Their smallest of acts would tear you apart.

Try not to expect, baby girl. Try not to expect anything from anyone except for the basic needs and requirements. And 'anyone' includes our parents too.

Expecting leads to disappointment and heartbreak. Avoid it at any cost.

Trust no one but yourself. No fricking one. At some point of time they are, sure as hell, gonna break your trust.

If you feel it's getting heavier inside, you know who's always by your side to hear you ramble and cry. Just go to Him.

And the most important thing... Don't be the good girl this world expects you to be.

I know how excited you are to grow up quickly. It was your nature to be excited about the future, planning and building castles in the air.

I know how high you've held yourself...those big dreams.

I'm sorry I killed them.

I really am.

There's some things... I wish someone had taught you before.

Don't let anyone know what you are feeling. Some would judge you, misunderstand you and you'd be left with the regret of opening up.

Never let the doors of your soul open, meri jaan... It's only gonna get dirty in this smothering polluted enviornment.

Don't look forward to people understanding you and your reasons. Most of them wouldn't.

Don't mind being the villain of someone else's story... don't take it to heart; the blames, criticism.

They are gonna weave different webs of lies of different colours just to prove you're at fault. Pity those people.

You'll learn to lick your wounds with your own tongue. Always keep it like that. Don't let them take away your tongue.

Bite if you think it's necessary. Bite if you want to. Be as violent as you can be, without a scope of softness.

Be rough.

Be wild.

Build stronger walls. Higher.

Lie through teeth whenever you feel like it. Honesty doesn't matter here. You'd be killed for your honesty. 

Hurl slangs, grow thorns on your tongue for those who deserve it. Don't hold back.

Tear apart those MFs whose touches would make you shudder and cry for God's help. 

Use your fists, legs, head and teeth on them. Make them bleed first. Consequences will be dealt with later.

*sigh*

I wish you had an older sibling, old enough to make you prepare for all these shits and craps...

I wish I could meet you.

There's so much I want to tell you, to make you prepare for the incoming storms that you'll have to encounter all alone.

But it's not even possible, little one...

Maybe...maybe in some alternative universe, you are living the life you've always wanted. Maybe your heart is all new and without a scratch...

Maybe you're happy, meri jaan...

I know there's no way you'd forgive me if you ever know how I fucked up our life but...

I hope you'd forgive me.

Sorry I couldn't live upto your dreams and hopes and expectations...

Sorry for hating you.

I love you.

Wishing you all the best for your future...

Your grieving guilty older self ♡