Dirty truth.

How do people enjoy life? Even with toxic family, uncles that have killed their self because they couldn't stand being miserable and family that disowned you.

How do you enjoy your life if your life is a living hell? How do people cope with anger, rage and depression? drugs. Alcohol. Why? Why do that to your self? Why ruin your body? Well that's my life.
Although my life is full of unfortunate events there can be authentic moments.

CHAPTER 1

25th August 2007. you won't believe what happened. Honestly I'm telling you, try to guess what happened.....
I was born.
Born
Born
Born.

I know what a nightmare.
Is this gods version of hell?living? You would think if "god" did this to you so it can be the thing that crawls up your spine at night, your a joke, he let you off easy. Not with me. I was born in to a family that hardly knew me, all they knew was my favourite colour and how old I was. I was lucky to know if my own mother remembered my birthday. "may what day was you born the doctor wants to know?" Her excuse was " I have loads of kids I forget a lot" typical narcissistic mum. My dad on the other hand. Was well how do you say this in a way where people won't look at you craving to give you there sorrow and pity. He was abusive. my mum wasn't any better tho. I know it seems like I'm blaming everything on her but
I'm not. It's both of there faults. They caused a child to have severe mental health issues. And acted like her life wasn't important they didn't care when she was crying and had red fluorescent  lifeblood running down her brittle arm.
Her
She
Them.
Was me.

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Trauma? hell? Same thing don't you think?
You're lucky if you haven't experienced any of them. I was only 8year of age when my life started to crumble apart. Well technically I was 5. The day my mum and dad ended their relationship after that everything got unpleasant.
I say " it's all a blur" just to not get questioned about my past.  I honestly kind of want people to ask me. I want to be able to tell everyone about this unfortunate life I've been living but they will just think I'm fully of pity for my self. I honestly kind of am. But what else am I meant to feel? Is it bad I still dwell on the history that happened before me? Is it bad that I believe I'm the one that caused this unspeakable "accident".

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march 1st 2012
I wish I didn't go down the stairs. I wish I just went to sleep. But that's all I can do. Wish. I was in my bed until I heard my dads voice. It didn't sound like him. He sounded more angry. He sounded
Furious honestly in that moment I wanted to hide I wanted to forget my existence i was only 4. Young and naive but I still  knew what was going to happen in the next moment. Is it wrong that I knew? I slowly walked to the top of the stairs making sure I didn't make a sound I didn't want to bring attention to my self. I softly placed my feet on to a step trying to go down the stairs without making a noise. Then suddenly I didn't hear him. I didn't hear my mum screaming and I couldn't hear my dad begging for forgiveness. At this point I was near the door. I gently squeezed my small hands making a gap in the door and the door frame to see what was happening. I seen my dad. He had his tensed hands on my mum soft brittle arm. I froze. I hate my self for that. why didn't I charge in and tell him to get of her. Instead. I ran up the stairs leaving a trace of my fear lingering in the air. When i got to my bed i tried my hardest to close my eyes and go in to a different reality, i couldn't stand the atmosphere, everything slowly started to creep in to my young naive mind. The next day they acted like everything was fine. It wasn't.

chapter 2

25th August 2015 my birthday. I was turning big 8. I mean 8 isn't big now i'm nearly 16 but that's not the point. Being 8 meant i was growing in to a young adult (least that's what i thought)  I was supposed to see my dear amazing daddy. He left me down again, just to get drug and have sex with some random girl that will leave him when they see he has a whole family. My mum was the one to tell me about him letting me down again. My heart shattered in to a million peaces my knees got weak and my heart started to deflate. I ran up stairs crying. Someone followed me my big sister Stacey. Fucking hate her now. Although i'm not a massive fan of her now she was always there for me when i was a child (we will get in to her later) as my eyes slowly started to go blood shot from the wound that he had started to create in my delicate young life, She began to wipe my tears  "I'm here for you, i will always be with you okay?  i promise fuck him"  Even tho my dad didn't want to see me on a meaningful day my sister fulfilled my heart. I just wished she kept her promise.