The struggling thoughts of BPD

1

His feelings felt twisted and the anger and sadness built inside of him. A lump in his throat, he already what as coming next. He try to stop the tears from sliding down but there was no point.
Staring at the phone his eyes felt as if they were hollow in his own mind of thoughts. He knows he shouldn't be upset so why was he crying?
It was as if they bother teamed up on him to tell him bad news. Even though they don't know each other. He was mad at both. One for wasting his time waiting for them and the other for ignoring his feelings.
He would rather be upset then to cry, he hated it. It made him feel weak, ll of the little insecurity suddenly becoming visible to everyone. He knew it never put his trust or love into anyone no matter what. So why did he keep doing it? Knowing it would only lead to his heart feeling it crack a little more by each day.
He was lonely. More of the fact he was scared of feeling alone. Fearing that if he leaves them no one else will come, and he will die alone. Sometimes the though if being unloveable and unbearable to others would slip into his mind. All he could do is disregard it.
He keeps thinking of the text, each time a sense of anger emerges within.

"Why would you tell this? Why are you doing this? Stop it, stop it. I don't want to know."

The tears want to come out again, and his heart aches.

"This isn't fair."

"This isn't fair."

He wanted to scream it, as loud. God he would do anything that would stop this pain. It ate his entire body. his eyes, his brain, his chest, his arms . He hated himself. Why wouldn't he just let this pass. Why did it make him so angry, when they aren't even together. He had no right to be anger and yet he still wanted to scream at that person. Be rude and say nasty things he knew he has always fucking felt but never said. Scared of being wrong and being the bad person

"I'm not the bad person, I'm trying"

Why was he like this? Why wouldn't he be normal. Why was his feelings always at 100? He wanted to ripe his heart out, maybe through it at a rock and beat it until it was dead.
Why was his feelings always disregard by the ones he loved. Then when he would speak he was called over reactive , a crybaby, a bad person.

"I'm
Not
A
Bad
Person"

He muttered the words over and over again while crying. 2 years of trying to do better and maybe nothing has changed. If so he though

"Why go on, why do I need to keep fighting. I cant do this anymore, I hate this, I hate everything about this. "

"I. Am. So. Tired"

Crying in his bed, he wished it was his last. Waking up not here. Why was he here, he wished he was normal.