The struggling thoughts of BPD

3

He had so much more to say, but if he started he wouldn't be able to stop. If he couldn't stop he'd be the reason another argument starts.
His hands freezing, maybe even shaking. He held his tongue, feeling a lump in his throat. It was a lump of words wanting to come out.
He couldn't do anything about it but cry. Though even crying didn't, wouldn't help, how could he cry when the other person would be out their enjoying their life, being happy while he is here miserable . God he hated them, his fingers curled into a fist and as if his nails could break the skin, but he was to scared. Unclenching his fist and feeling the marks he made.

"It's better then actually harming myself."

How could he say his feelings were hurt without seeming so childish? Did he even have the right to have his feelings hurt? Why didn't they care, why did they chose not say anything.
Growing up when you're feelings were hurt you couldn't say anything. Your best option was to cry in your room quietly. If anyone heard you, you were the laughingstock of the house. You were stupid and disgusting.

You were in the wrong.

So now you've learned to not waste your time , to not speak until you can't hold it in. So when the littlest thing happens and you finally snap you look like the person who can't communicate. They aren't wrong though, sadly you can't. You are still the 8 year old crying in her play room at 2am alone and scared. Wondering why was this happening to you. Why didn't mommy want me, why didn't see love me anymore. You never really can explain the answer, and maybe you never will be able to you. And even when you know it isn't your vault you can't help but think it is.

"Have I wasted all my time ?"

"You should text them."

"But what do I say?"

He knew he wouldn't be rash about it, or it won't get through to there head. Sucking up his emotions he had to be the mature one. He couldn't scream and yell, he already knew it wouldn't get him anywhere.

"Just breathe and be reasonable."