The Death Kingdom

Chapter Twenty-Five

I'm not quite sure what I expected Auden's reaction to be, but sitting there and staring at me like we're having a normal conversation isn't it. There isn't even a semblance of shock or horror. He gazes at me as if that news changes nothing as if I haven't killed a person and now hold their energy within me.
"You're not disgusted? How can you even look at me right now?" I question, my stomach a knot of tension and disbelief. I form my hand into a fist to try and relieve some of the pent-up disquiet.
Auden lets out a long breath, his eyes finally leaving mine to look down at my hands. "I think after everything we've been through it's hard to imagine you murdering someone outright. I feel like there's some kind of explanation and even if not, I can see the guilt you have. I'm not going to sit here and make you feel worse for something that I know is killing you inside every day."
Tears prick into my eyes, emotion overwhelming me. "I never expected you to just accept it like that. I never expected anyone to, it's why I haven't told a soul besides the fact I'd be imprisoned for it."
Auden's eyes flash to mine. "If you had been caught you would've ended up one of my father's sacrifices."
Bile settles in my throat and I hold my hand up to my throat, envisioning the king slicing through my skin. "I know," I whisper.
Auden sits up straighter, angling his body closer to mine. "I was on the frontline Saige. I've seen death, I've seen what people have to do to survive, and the horrors that come with it. I can't judge you for something I've seen, something I've almost been forced to do myself."
I look down and realize my hands are trembling, but relief is the emotion I feel the most. I never imagined it would feel this good to share this secret, I knew it's been burning inside of me for most of my life, but I never imagined someone wouldn't despise me for it. Auden even seems to understand, which is more than I could've ever hoped for.
I reach out to grab his hand, squeezing it in mine.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asks, his voice gentle and kind. Nothing about his question makes me feel pressured in any way and I feel even more grateful for this man. I never thought Auden would be the one to treat me like this.
I nod, taking a slow deep breath to prepare myself. "When I was seven there was this boy next door, Elias. He was a year older than I was, but we were best friends. We did everything together. We always got into mischievous activities, things our parents didn't want us to do and now looking back we should've listened. I can't believe how foolish I was."
Auden squeezes my hand, giving me his silent support to continue.
"One of our favorite things to do was to climb trees in the woods behind our houses," I go on. "Elias was wild and free, always challenging me to be brave and step out of my comfort zone, and one day he dared me to climb the one tree our parents made us swear we'd never climb because it was so tall. I didn't want to chicken out, so I did, and I dared him to follow me." I pause to collect my thoughts, a tear trailing down my cheek. "Everything was fine, we made it as high as we could before the branches got too thin to hold our weight, and then we just hung out there. We always did that with every tree we climbed, we would sit and talk, enjoying the view. Nothing was more beautiful than the views we saw from those trees. The crazy thing is I can remember everything about that day to the last detail, except for what we talked about, and how it somehow turned into an argument. The next thing I remember we were yelling at each other and we stood up on the branches and I—I pushed him."
A massive sob spills out of me, I can't control how it rips from the deepest part of me and unleashes all the tears I've kept locked away.
Auden reaches around me, enclosing me with his warmth and strength. His hand rubs soothing circles against my back as he waits patiently for me to get my tears out.
I manage to calm down enough to continue.
"We did it all the time, mostly as jokes, little pushes here or there because we liked to mess around, always wrestling on the ground. I don't even know what went through my head to do it, but I did. I pushed him and he stumbled, losing his grip on the trunk of the tree. I reached out to try and grab him, but it was too late. His foot slipped and I watched the utter terror in his eyes as he fell, the scream that tore from his lips. I'll never forget the sound he made when he hit the ground. That's what haunts me when I sleep, I always wake up after the sound rings in my head."
"Gods," Auden breathes, his voice deep and hoarse.
"I—I remember not knowing what to do, I was frozen in the tree, staring at his body on the ground. I think I was waiting for him to move, for him to jump up and yell at me for being so careless. But he didn't. He just laid there at this awful angle, blood slowly spilling out from underneath him." I bury my head in my hands. "I finally managed to start moving and climb out of the tree. I was crying and running back home to get my parents. They heard me screaming and met me out back behind our house, Elias's parents too. I told them we climbed the tree they told us not to and that Elias was on the ground. I didn't even get to the part where I pushed him because they jumped into action. My dad took off into the woods with Elias's parents and my mom held me as I cried. I never even told them the full story, they all just assumed he fell out of the tree on his own.
"That's the worst part of this whole thing, Auden." I pull my head up to look at him fully. "I lived next to Elias's family for another two years and I never told them it was my fault. Some part of me knew even at that age I would be sent away for what I did and I was scared. I was so scared I'd be taken away from my parents, so I kept quiet. I never told a soul. But knowing what I do now, knowing that I've taken a part of Elias and have been living with it this whole time I—" I break off, unable to finish my thought. My heart aches inside my chest, the guilt is a living thing swirling inside of me. It encases everything and makes me hate myself. I've always hated myself for it, but now more than ever I feel the effects. It's a burning hate that constantly tells me it should've been me on the ground instead of Elias.
"It was still an accident, Saige," Auden tells me softly.
"Maybe it wasn't Auden. Maybe I am just that bloodthirsty, gods know I am right now. I can barely control myself when I fight. I want to kill, the desire is so intense it's like I'd do anything just to feel a body go limp in my arms. It calls to me like it'll make everything better like it'll make my breaths longer and stronger like I'd be invincible." I cringe as I say the words, realizing what a monster I've become without even knowing. I don't understand how it's gotten this execrable.
"Wait, what did you just say?" Auden questions, his thick dark brows furrowing.
"You truly want me to repeat what I just said?" I gape.
"You want to kill because it would make your breaths easier, stronger like you'd feel invincible." His eyes widen, shock spreading across his face. "We learned that killing makes you stronger and faster on these lands, but what if that's not it. What if there are other side effects too? Think about it. Kavi described how crazed our father was for those kills, and how he related what the feeling was like to Kavi. It was like our father needed to do it, similar to how you feel when fighting."
My mouth drops open, understanding the direction he's taking. "Oh, gods. You think once you commit one kill, the desire to kill again becomes almost impossible to ignore. My anger and bloodlust are a side effect of what I did to Elias all that time ago."
My brain starts to scramble, a million thoughts racing through it. So many questions and revelations. Everything is starting to make sense now.
"That's exactly what I think. I don't think it's you, I think it's part of whatever this gift from the gods is if you can even count this as a gift. I didn't even believe in the gods, but after this?" Auden scoffs, rubbing a hand over his face.
"It's not me?" I murmur, absolute wonder coating my tone.
Auden reaches out to cup the side of my face. "I'd bet my life on it. It's the only thing that makes sense. Try to remember what you were like before and after what happened to Elias."
My mind flashes and I start sorting through all the memories I have of that time, of the differences. And it all falls into place.
"I was never like this," I whisper. I clear my throat and speak again, this time with more strength. "I wasn't violent as a kid, I remember. Besides play fighting with Elias, that was the worst I did and even then we never hurt each other. It was all fun. Gods, Auden, there's something else."
"What?" he urges me on, giving me his undivided attention.
"I used to get sick as a child, all the time, but after—after Elias, I never got sick again. My mom used to think I just got stronger after being sick all the time as a baby, but what if it wasn't? What if that is also because of what I took from Elias?" I jerk up. "I heal fast too. Bloody Nyer, Magee in the infirmary went on and on about how tough I must be and how he's never seen anybody heal so fast. I thought he was trying to make me feel better, but now that I think about it I've always healed quickly."
Auden curses. "This is so much bigger than I thought. There's so much more to it but you'll be able to help us understand it all."
"I always thought I was just naturally good at fighting, but that's all a lie. It's no wonder I've always been better during training than everyone else at the rebellion. I've always been faster and stronger. I just thought that's how I was. What happened with Elias occurred when I was so young I didn't know any better, it was like I grew into it so no one questioned my abilities."
Auden's face turns somber as he looks at me. "I hate to say this but we wouldn't have made it out alive last night if you didn't have that piece of Elias."
I flinch, hating the words, hating that he's right. If I didn't have this extra strength we would've died.
"I wouldn't have been able to save Kavi and Nena from the creature either," I whisper, taking a peak over my shoulder at a still-sleeping Kavi. He must truly be exhausted.
Auden swings his gaze over to his brother and some of the tension knotted in his forehead dissipates. "I know you feel guilty, I can see it written all over your face, but we have to be thankful right now for it. You've saved multiple lives, and I expect you'll save a lot more in the future. One accident doesn't define who you are, everything you've done since has been for the betterment of not just you but for the people of Delphine. You've done amazing things, Saige, and I would be immensely lucky if I get to be a part of it in the future." He turns his eyes to me, studying me in a way that somehow doesn't make me uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I know he doesn't hate me, he's seen me in my rawest most vulnerable state and still looks at me like I'm someone worth listening to. That I'm someone who's still worth it.
My heart warms inside my chest and it spreads until even my fingers are tingling. I've never known what it's like to be seen by someone else, to be regarded in such an esteemed way. Auden has managed to sneak into my skin and hold a soft spot in my heart.
I take a shuddering breath, drowning in his electric gaze. The sun enhances his dark skin and I can't help but be enamored by him. I take in his strong jawline and his lips as he sticks his tongue out to wet them. A sharp current zings through my stomach. I finally flick my eyes up to meet his and find them dark, the green is almost completely hidden as his gaze battles between my eyes and my lips.
My breath hitches in the back of my throat.
Saige," he whispers, my name barely audible. His voice is a deep rasp that I feel all the way down to my toes. "I really want to kiss you right now."
I forget how to speak, how to move my mouth and tongue to form the sounds to tell him: yes, yes I want him to kiss me too.
My body comes alive, as he dips his head the slightest bit closer, our breaths intermingling. My entire mind is wrapped up in him, the nearness of his body, the smell that is uniquely his, the way his hand is gripping the grass like he's two seconds away from losing control.
"Saige, please," he begs. He leans in to brush his nose against mine and the ache in my chest intensifies. "I need to hear your answer," he says, voice completely pained.
I open my mouth, ready to tell him yes over and over again, but then I hear it. A sound far in the distance.
The sound of a horse neighing.