ceilings

1.

The end is near. - a quote from one of my favourite songs of all time, which describes for me how short life really is.

My name's Florence, but my family and some of the people I'm close with, call me Flo. I'm in love with music, but like really. If you'd send me to a deserted island the only thing I could survive with besides food and water, is music. It calms me down and makes me feel safe. I'm from the western part of London and turned 16 in november. And also, I like an adult man.

Yeah, I guess this might be a bit too much for once, so let's start from the beginning. I've always lived in the same house, always had somebody by my side who I called my friend and was always an overachiever..until high school began. I go to 'the best of best high school in London'. This meant to be the best place. Yeah, for sure. Now I'm in grade 10 and have been through 2 heartbreaks, i lived several months with ed and lost all my friends, and i have pretty bad anxiety. You might think now: 'uh another story where the girl thinks she's mentally ill cuz she had a few breakdowns'. I'm sorry, but I have to disappoint you, this is not. Even though I haven't seen a therapist yet, I know I suffer from anxiety. Even my old friends saw the symptoms of these, but that's another story, let's just not get into that, you'll hear about it eventually.

So the story between me and Oliver never really had a start. It didn't just happen, it took months for me to realize, i have feelings for him.

I should start with the night i really felt like i have feelings for him and he might feel the same way. Okay, so I'm in grade ten, working my ass off in school and outside of it (also because of school obviously). It's November 20th. My birthday. Doesn't really feel like a big thing. Yeah, I'm finally 16, what a huge thing. I rather do anything but celebrate with people who don't even wanna be here. I have friends. 2 of them to specify it, but with time, I'm pushing them away. Not very easy for them. But sometimes I feel like I would rather be alone. They're nice, don't get me wrong, it's just I'm more of a lone wolf I guess. Woo, that sounds weird, okay you get what I meant anyway.

So it was November 20th, 19:00, in front of the mall, where the movie theater is located. Me and my friends, Ana and Emily, went to the movies that day to celebrate my 'sweet 16'. And that's where Oliver gets into the picture. I've been to that theater many but really MANY times in the past few years and he worked there, sometimes I saw him, sometimes I didn't. It just never really bothered me if he was present or not. In the summer I started to realize he doesn't just work there. He freaking owns the place or at least he's the 'big boss'.

Back to my birthday, as we ordered our food and got the tickets he served us. I tried to avoid eye contact with him. I don't like holding eye contact with anyone. AT ALL. It's like physical touch, I don't like it, but I do like it. It's pretty complicated, but I'll try to explain. If the hug or any kind of physical touch comes from a person who I feel love for - in any way - it's the best feeling. But if it comes from someone like my uncle or anybody then, no thanks. So I was standing there, we were getting our tickets and I sorta noticed it before too, that he was looking at me, but i was like no way. Emily is my friend who everybody looks at. Like literally, everyone. Yeah, I guess she's pretty and everything a guy wants, like smart, does sports and is good at everything she tries. And I got the role of the person who stands by her in the corridors or anything. When we sat down in the mall with our tickets and food, Ana told me that the server guy was LITERALLY staring at me. My face probably blushed right away. Sometimes when I see him I realize I'm blushing, even though it's nothing like the guy I was in love with in grade 9. I knew everything about him and we talked every day. I really thought there could be something between us and then he said he likes someone else. Not gonna like it hurt like hell and sometimes it still does. He has been in a great relationship with her since then. I guess it's good for you.

Anyway, I looked at Oliver, than looked back at the girls and answered Ana.

- Look, you probably misunderstood it, he was looking at all of us, or maybe it was Emily who he looked at.

Emily stepped in the conversation and I expected her to say something like 'yeah, i saw how he couldn't take his eyes off me' or something like this. That's her usual reaction. But I'm kinda okay with that. She's been there for me when I was feeling really shitty so I guess she's a good friend. But this answer was something else that day. And i was surprised, maybe she said it 'cause it was my birthday but whatever.

- no, Flo, he was looking at you.
- yeah, whatever, he's like, what 24?! And also he MIGHT just found me relatively pretty, that's it. - I answered.
- come on Flo, you're pretty, and he thinks the same. 8 year age gap is not THAT much. - said Ana, who still believes Leonardo DiCaprio will marry her.

I didn't answer for this, because some other guy opened the door to the room where our movie was playing. So we were going that way, and I noticed that the guy randomly started talking to someone who I didn't see. Of course it was Oliver and suddenly the guy left and Oliver stood there to check our tickets. That was kinda suspicious, but i was like okay, maybe he was needed somewhere else.

He checked our tickets and let us in. Before we could've entered the room Oliver gently touched my arm, like he wanted something. I turned around and looked at him very confused.

- Sorry, just wanted to say 'enjoy the movie'. - he said and looked me in the eye. I held eye contact.

- Thanks, - I said, then I looked away - I guess. - I added silently.

Emily and Ana shouted at me from distance.

- Flo, are you coming?

- Yeah, coming. - I said and walked into the room.

' I am just imagining it again. Calm down Flo. Nothing really happened.' I tried to convince myself with that.
Thankfully the girls didn't see this little interaction so I didn't have to explain myself.

We sat at our places and watched the movie, but throughout the movie I was thinking about Oliver and how he looked at me. How he touched me. It's just so surreal that someone could like me. Me. It's probably because they don't know me yet. But when they start to know me and see me the way I am. With breakdowns every day, acting weird because I hate being around people and looking for my music everywhere. They'll see me with all my problems and then they'll go away.

After the movie ended I haven't seen Oliver again that day. But I was thinking about him, like all the time. I got home, put on ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine. This song is a freaking masterpiece. I couldn't stop listening to it for like two weeks. I fell asleep listening to this song, staring at the ceiling and I felt happier than yesterday when I was 'a year younger' as my grandpa jokes all the time. It's pretty rare for me to feel like this. But not in the way 'I am happy to be at home' or 'I'm happy to hang out with my friends' it was something else, kinda strange.