ceilings

2.

2 weeks before winter break and I am feeling like a piece of shit. I sleep 6 hours-ish, which sounds a lot actually but this is like really bad sleep. I study for around 4-5 hours at home. I won't be able to handle this for much longer. I'm not sure anymore if this school was the right choice. I just have to be able to get through this semester, then we'll see about the future. Winter break will be a relief for me. I won't have to see that many people anymore, just my family for Christmas, but maybe I can bare with that.

December 7, Saturday

This day might be a bit more chill, I don't have to study that much and I'm free tomorrow too, so I'm doing the Christmas shopping this afternoon. In the morning I studied. It's 14:00 and I'm going to the mall. Yes, that mall. But I'm not going to the theater so it should be pretty chill. I'm going on my own. It's better when there's no distraction. First I start off with the gifts for my parents. I've got some ideas for them so I'm gonna look for those in some stores.

As I go up the escalator to the 2nd floor and enter a shop in the corner, I notice the cinema. I can't see who's working, it's on the other side of this floor so I'm continuing my shopping but I still can't take this thought off of my head. Is he working today? I shouldn't think about this, but I decide that after I'm done with this floor I'll leave through the theatre. And by that I mean, I'll go beside it and stare at the staff to see if he's there or not. Look, I know I shouldn't, but you know what? Fuck it. I don't care. What could happen? We look at each other? Woah! That's so bad! Of course, he won't come at me to ask me out, so it's a chill situation. As I'm thinking about this, the cashier asks me again which payment I would like to use.

- Card, please. Sorry. - I answer.

I leave the shop and I see Oliver coming towards me in his work uniform talking to some girl and laughing. I say to myself: 'it's good. At least I was right. He doesn't like me. One problem off the list.' And that's when he looks at me. His freaking blue eyes. Shut up! Why does it feel so warm? Shit! Shit! I feel warm. My heartbeat is getting faster. He passes me. God, I hate this part.

I convince myself with the best explanation: In the past few months, he's been nice to me because that's his job. To serve customers nicely. Yeah, sure. And then here we go, he doesn't like me and I like him. Fuck it. I can't do it. Not right now. Hopeless romantic and all, right!? That's just so fucking good. One part of mine wants to write to him on insta or something so we could get to know each other. But the other part, MAN, it knows that I just can't do it. I'm not allowed to. He is like, what 7 years-ish older than me? It just can't happen and it won't happen. I guess that hurts the most. Emily would say: 'we were born in the wrong generation.' She always says that. Why the fuck can't I just live my life without somebody who's always watching my steps and waiting for the moment I trip and fall. And I guess the worst is, that most of the time I do it to myself. But without the feeling of fear, I would probably kiss him in the corner or do something else that's just stupid. But shit, he is a grown-ass man, who's working hard all the time and doesn't have time for some little relationship-ish things with a 16-year-old.

So, I just walk by the cinema. I walk towards the stairs and head out of the mall. I sigh. Put my headphones in and listen to watch by Billie Eilish. This song... represents a lot of my friendships in the past. Yeah, I guess, I'm not the best at choosing friends.

As I get home, the clock in the kitchen hits 19:00. I sit down on my bed. Pull out the headphones from my ears and just sit, in silence. And then I lay down on my bed and look at the ceiling and start wondering. Start imagining scenarios about me and Oliver. Even though I know these stories I create just to entertain myself won't fucking happen.

- Florence? - I ask myself - How could you be soo stupid to fall in love with him? Him. There are sooo many guys on this planet and you had to choose him. Emily and Ana would say: 'you'll find somebody else that you'll marry.' I know they'd say this because that's what they said after the other guy last year. But this is something else. And this time will be different. I won't tell Ana and Emily about him.