The Great British Bake Off!

"Welcome to the Great British Bake Off," Noel says with a smile. The upbeat orchestral music plays over the bright green lawn. A couple of ducks wobble into a lake.

You and the other contestants make your way to the tent. You chat, walking in pairs. The woman you talk to is the oldest contestant this season. She probably won't last two more episodes.

"It's bread week for the bakers," Noel's voice booms. His outfit is the absence of color with a red graphic image. The other host is short.

You are nervous. Bread is Paul's specialty. He will be extra tough judging this week. His steely blue eyes can clock an under-proofed loaf from across the tent. The other judge, Prue, is dressed in geometric shapes and bright colors. She is excited to see what the contestants do next.

You stand behind your bench. The tent is cohesively decorated with bowls, flowers and baked goods of complementary colors. You notice that some of the baked goods have grown mold.

Noel smiles more at the front of the tent. You think he may have too many teeth. The smaller host says something. You laugh. It was funny. The man defined by where he lives laughs the hardest. He likes football.

It is the Signature challenge

Your bench is now clean with only gingham cloth covering the ingredients for the next challenge. Tentative but curious piano music plays.

"Your Technical challenge for today was set for you by Paul," the short host says. "Any words of advice Paul?"

Paul doesn't speak. His eyes are bloodshot. He points at you with an accusing finger and dread fills your body. The tent seems to fall away. You cannot see anything but his eyes, blue with pulsing red veins. You realize Paul hasn't blinked since you entered the tent. A few drops of piss leak onto your trousers.

"Ah, very enlightening," says the small host. "Now, as always, the Technical challenge will be judged blind and we will now ask the judges to leave the tent."

Paul Hollywood keeps his eyes and finger fixed on you as he walks backwards out the tent with Prue. His legs seem to bend at odd angles.

Ignoring the judges, Noel says, "For your technical challenge today Paul has asked you to make a ham and cheese sandwich. It must include two slices of perfectly baked bread with perfect proportions of ham and cheese between the slices. You all have been given the exact same ingredients and a pared-down recipe. You have exactly 10 minutes. Bakers on your marks!"

"Get set!" says the little host

"Bake!"

The contestants whir into motion. You look at the recipe. All it says is "Make sandwich."

"I've actually never made a sandwich before." One contestant says. You can't remember her name. "I guess it's just one of those things, you just don't think about, innit?"

Time is called and only two people have finished

"Oh no!" You hear from the beautiful woman that always has perfect makeup. "I forgot my oven!" There is a gaping hole where her oven should be. Her bread has been sitting inside for 10 minutes.

It's the Showstopper Challenge. The music score is pensive. It makes you uneasy. You can't see any speakers. How long have you been hearing the score?

"Your Showstopper Challenge is to make bread from a colonized country and disappoint everyone from the country by not making it correctly. You have four and a half hours."

All the bakers began to bake. You look around. Behind your station, Tommy steadies his bowl with one hand, whisks his mixture and preps the vanilla beans. He is the young uni student who is doing surprisingly well.

The judges walk over to you. They say something to you. You can't hear it. The music is too loud. You laugh as an answer. Paul still hasn't blinked.

Prue asks, "And what flavors will you be using?"

You don't know. You look down at your recipe you have been working on for a week. It's blank. You stammer, "lemon," but it comes out like a question. Paul looks at you. He hasn't blinked.

"Are you sure you want to be usin' lemon for this?" Terror strikes you like a lightning rod. That was the ultimate dismissal of technique and flavor. You soil yourself. You can no longer call yourself a baker. "Hm, seems like someone's got a soggy bottom."