28/12/2022
Wednesday
14:14
So I'm back to square one. You know, with my issues.
And just when I thought things were getting better, they got worse. Like...everything just hit the fan. Shit hit the fan both literally and figuratively.
I feel like my life's falling apart...even though it already caught fire and fucking crashed to the ground 5 years ago-
I just...I dunno.
Honestly I don't really think anybody's gonna read this but I'm not doing it for anyone anyways. I'm doing this for myself...
And my therapist said it'd be good for my health if I did this. You know, as an easier way of open up and believe me, I'm not a fan of opening up at all.
But I have to. To improve. And it's also a way of apologizing to the people I've hurt just cuz I couldn't get out of my shell. If...being raised in a ghetto household has ever taught me anything, it's to never make your problems someone else's. I guess I just didn't pick up on that.
Lately I've been going through a lot of emotions.
Like, one day I'm depressed as hell and the next day I'm happy as fuck for like...4 hours and my depression comes back afterwards.
Right now I'm just...okay. I'm fine. I mean yeah, I'm depressed but not balling my eyes out and rewatching euphoria to know that I'm not the only person with a drug addiction kinda depression.
The kinda depression where you just feel like wasting away.
Where you just don't wanna get outta bed and sleep forever.
Where you don't feel like taking a shower cuz you don't see the point in doing that.
Or where you totally avoid eating any kind of food just because you don't feel like it and that you're disgusted in yourself and what you are...and that no matter how many times you work out or change to please the people around you, you'll always be this disgusting bag of flesh just waiting to rot away.
Oh and I know. No one really cares but you're right. No one actually gives a goddamn fuck.
And if there had to be someone out there that claims to love and care about you...yeah well, they're lying.
This world is built on lies and selfishness.
And it's the truth because it's true human nature. It's how we humans are. There is no such thing as a person that isn't selfish, a perfect being that always puts other people over themselves.
I mean...everybody has to be drunk on something to keep pushing on right?
Right.
And that's exactly my point.
Moving on—
I haven't even eaten in days. Which explains the excessive headaches and dizzy spells. I also tend to pass out a lot. I think it's due to 'low iron'?
Is that what you call it??
I dunno, man. Correct me if I'm wrong.
I should probably eat when I can...which is probably never cuz I always forget to eat-
And I know what y'all MFS are about to say: "HoW tHe FuCk Do YoU fOrGeT tO eAt?"
Bitch, Idk.
ADHD I guess?
And ever since I was able to 'move' out of my mom's house and into my uncle's, I've been a bit happier.
A bit
You know, without all of the shouting, screaming, physical and verbal fighting, I've been at peace.
And with my unexplainable depression and loneliness aside, I've been able to enjoy my life more.
Go out more.
And it feels nice.
Only a lil bit.
But it helps. Getting to sleep for as long as you want and never get yelled at for it. My room's a fucking mess but I don't think my uncle cares. As long as I clean it up at some point he's alright with it.
...I could get used to this.
