SHREK: Once upon a time there was a . But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible . Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For and true love's first kiss.
The voice laughs. A big, green hand rips out a page of the book and shuts it closed.
SHREK: Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of -
We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out steps , an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. This includes taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.
In a , an gather up to go after Shrek. At night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
Villager 1: Think it's in there?
Villager 2: All right. Let's get it!
Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
Villager 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob.
SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.
The mob gasp.
SHREK: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...
Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear.
Villagers: No!
SHREK: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
The villager waves his torch in Shrek's face. Shrek casually licks his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The villager drops it.
Villager 1: Right...
Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and waits for the villagers to stop screaming.
SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.
All: (Screaming!!!)
Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run away as fast they can.
SHREK: And stay out! (
He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the villagers. He reads it aloud.
SHREK: "Wanted. Fairytale creatures"?
He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground.
THE NEXT DAY - FOREST
are put in chains and led into wagons by . The sits at a table paying a line of people their rewards for turning in the fairytale creatures. Those waiting in line include , who is carrying in a cage, who is carrying , and a farmer carrying the .
