SH
TW:
Why is it that everyone is so happy and I'm not.
I sit in my bathtub thinking if I should just end it or if I should just wait to see if anything happens.
I lay in my bathroom floor thinking if everything is even real is it am I just some robot what am I.
I sit on my bathroom floor
I pace around the bathroom
I look in the mirror
Than I pick up the knife I slide my finger on the sharp part of the blade to see how sharp it is than I slowly put it against my arm pressing the blade against my skin I press it Until it starts hurting than I slade it across my arm seeing the blood leak out of the cut it feels so good so I do it again and again until i was satisfied than I pulled up my hoodie sleeve and put the knife in my pocket.
I started when I was about 10 or 11 I don't even remember how old I was but I found a comfort in it.
One day it stops hurting
That day was a really bad day
So I grabbed scissors and my knife I dragged the scissors across the blade and started to sharpen it until I was satisfied with it
I raised my hand grabbed a finger slide my finger across the blade it was sharper than before than I moved the knife to my arm pressed down really hard until it hurt than pressed down more that I started bleeding than slide it across my arm again and again the last one I did I didn't see any blood the line was white I always loved seeing the red knowing that the only pain I could control was the one I did myself with the blade.
I couldn't control the things that happened in my life the pain that people gave me when they left.
Sometimes I couldn't even feel anything I liked it that way sometimes.
