Living at Gunpoint
I pointed the gun to my head. I concluded what I had to do, and what I wanted to do, and that was to do myself in; to end it for once and for all, to blast off for ever out of this wicked, cruel world. One moment of pain perhaps and, then, sleep forever, and ever and ever. No more pain, no heartbreak, no more guilt showering over me like a sea of wildfire. The idea of death, in itself, scared me, but living in such a cruel, lonely world scared me even more. As I was preparing to pull the trigger that would, finally, end my suffering, I felt the gun violently slapped away from the grip of my hands. I opened my eyes and saw my ex-girlfriend; standing above me with loathing tears in her eyes.
“I love you.” I said, cringing at the thought of her response.
She stared at me in disbelief. “ No you don’t. You’ve spent your whole life running away from me and the people you love; trying to catch some sort of infinite happiness that you invented when your life turned into a rut. But in reality, all you've done is go farther and farther away from the precious love and happiness that's been waiting here for you all along. “
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t know. Don’t you get it? You were about to kill yourself. Over what? Depression? Don’t you realize how truly beautiful life is? No one ever said it was going to be easy, which is why no one has ever written a book on how to specifically live your life; but there’s a damn good reason for that. It isn’t about how you live your life, or how the people you care about live it, but how you see and react to it. The world is a map; constantly changing, but at the same time always relatively the same. It’s how you see that map that dictates your destination in life. So don’t see that map for how other people tell you to see it; see the map for what it really is and choose your destination within it. Whether it’s a park or a lake, it’s your choice - just don’t let other anyone guide you to a dump or a graveyard.”
And at that moment, I realized I loved her. She tried to say more, but I put my arm around her and led her body to my chest. “I know we’ve had our problems, but can we just forget them for one last night? Let tonight be your last night in my arms again; the last night I’ll ever have the pleasure to call you mine.” She nodded in agreement, and gave me one of her last, passionate kisses.
As we laid there, I though about how I was with, undeniably, the most beautiful girl in the world. She had every thing I’d always wanted in a girl; long blond hair, cherry red lips, hazel blue eyes and a short, but curvy body. I tried to tell her that, but no sound came out. It was junior high all over again. But before I could attempt to say anything else, she began separating herself from me, and, while holding her gaze directly towards my eyes, kissed me. She smiled and waved goodbye, slowly disappearing from the room. But before she completely disappeared, she looked back and softly whispered the last sentence I’d ever hear from her again, “We might have been lovers in our past life. We might of grown up, raised a family, and became infinitely happy. But in this life, it was not meant to be. In this life, we’re destined to never be together; to never love the person we thought we loved the most. Maybe in another life, ‘when we are both cats’, it’ll work out. But in this one, all we can say now is goodbye.”
And then, just like that, she was gone…
That’s all I could think about. She was gone. She was out of my life – never to return again. I understood love now. I never did before, though. I realized how every time we make the decision to fall in love with someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain is when that special someone we love leaves us. But sometimes it takes a little pain in order to truly see the world for what it is. My life might not be what I thought I’d be, and I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I’ve ended up where I needed to be. I was finally ready to move on, to turn the next page leading to a new chapter in my life, and pay the stake one puts up in order to play the game of life.
My vision began to become significantly blurry, and I felt my body become coldly disconnected. I found myself back in the bathtub where I originally was, except that I was now laying down in a pool drenched with blood, next to a recently fired pistol. I think I knew all along that I did, in fact, choose to kill myself - and was successful at it – except that I honestly really didn’t care. If living a fantasy, or a dream, meant seeing the one I loved one last time, then I was okay with it. I think that sometimes, when we need it the most, fantasy is the one last thing we can truly call our own. Maybe the only way can “truly live” is at gunpoint.
