Fighting Dreamers - a short memoir of growing up as a Naruto kid

Fighter Dreamers - A short memoir of growing up as a Naruto kid

Once upon a time, there was a girl about to turn twelve. She couldn't be happier to be twelve because that meant she could be a ninja like Naruto. She wore headbands to school, t-shirt with huge Naruto logos, and even dressed up as Deidara once for a friend's party because she had blonde hair just like him. She made a kunai out of cardboard and tape, and the next Christmas her mother bought everything Naruto she could find at Hot Topic. At school, her and her friends wrapped a Sasuke action figure in toilet paper to be the mummy in their Egyptian project. In the lunch line she would practice jutsu. And every night she would take out her notebook of Japanese song lyrics and sing along with the Naruto openers. Especially "GO!!!" by Flow, or more affectionately called "Fighting Dreamers".

This past December, I turned 27 and I was so excited to turn 27 because that meant I was the same age as Kakashi sensei. In fact, I was just like him; I lived in Japan, my students called me sensei every day, and they were obsessed with seeing me without my mask. About a week after my birthday I had a very vivid dream:

I dreamt I was singing in a big concert and during a break the stage manager told me Kakashi sensei was backstage. I ran and found him sitting on the stage steps. I was so excited! I couldn't believe he came to support me.

"Kakashi sensei! I can't believe you're here!" I exclaimed as I sat down beside him. But he looked at me with mixed emotions.

"No. To you it's just Kakashi" he said. I immediately burst into tears.

"No! No! You will always be sensei!" I wept as he hugged me tighter. I don't remember the exact words between my sobs, but it was along the lines of how proud he was of me and the person I grew up to be.

I woke up nearly in tears. As I laid there on my futon I stared up at the ceiling analyzing why my subconscious was communicating this message to me. One of my hobbies is dream analysis, but rarely did one of my own dreams have such an impact on me. And the message my subconscious had been communicating slowly came to light - my dreams were over.

After over a decade of obsession I was finally in Japan. I was slowly fulfilling all of my childhood wishes and desires, but that wasn't the reason why I was crying. My subconscious was saying goodbye to this very specific time period of my life of watching anime music videos (AMVs) on YouTube, rushing home from the grocery store to watch "Naruto: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow" premier on television, and my cousin making fun of my shuriken necklace because it looked like I stole the car emblem off a Mercedes-Benz. I grew up. And a part of me was grieving the loss of that naïve care-free child fighting for their dreams.

Kakashi sensei was the manifestation of my subconscious. The subconscious often uses familiar imagery to communicate and process emotions and events in the brain, although an untrained conscious may find them confusing at times. Kakashi sensei is a key teacher icon in the series, so my subconscious chose to represent itself as him. Kakashi sensei (my subconscious) was also grieving the fact that I was no longer this twelve old girl; it's a bittersweet thing growing up. However, my subconscious was also acknowledging that I had not only fulfilled a childhood dream but I really did grow up to be a ninja just like Naruto.

I didn't give up when faced with the surmountable grief of my parents' sudden divorce like when Team 7 was suddenly faced with Zabuza. In college I experienced and learned to live with failure like in the Chunin exams. I reconnected with my family and learn to let go of my anger like Sasuke and Itachi. I followed my friends to pull them out of the pits of depression as they had done for me like Naruto chasing Sasuke. I became a teacher who would do anything to protect my students and struggling with the fact I can't always like Kakashi sensei. And I learned how to make peace with my own inner demon of anxiety and use it to my advantage like Kurama.

So once upon a time, she grew up. She was no longer twelve-year-old girl Kakashi sensei, or the rest of the Naruto cast, needed to watch over. Because she had become just like them; a person who never stopped fighting for her dreams in the midst of sadness and sorrow. As for the anxieties I feel for my future: Was Shippuden better? Yeah. But I'll always love season one.