I'm not sure if i'm doing the right thing sometimes. It feels like i'm going in the wrong direction every time. But anyways, I know i have to leave it all up to fate. What's meant to be will be.
I'm going to tell you how it all started.
Let's go back to when i was in secondary school. I was a naive kid. I would have believed anything anyone said. I had a crush in this boy in school. It was obvious that he didn't like me back. But that didn't stop me. Every single day i would right letters and buy chocolates for him. Sweet right? Well he didn't like it one bit. I got so sad when he didn't even think of writing back.. I was depressed and didn't know how else to react. At this point of time, I had loads of friends who did self harm. By self harm , i mean cutting their wrist. Well , thats when i started doing it too. I would cut every time i got rejected. I didn't think that it'd be the start of a whirlpool of danger towards my health.
My friends noticed what i had been doing and informed the teachers.The teachers in my school and the principle were alerted and i was being watched by all of them. Every morning i had to go to the teachers office so that they could check my school bag for razor blades or other sharp objects. And , I mean everything , even rulers that had sharp edges.
Little did they know i had found a blade in my uniform pocket. During P.E , I went to the field and cut really deep. I was sure that i wanted to die. There was nothing left for me to live for. Everything had to end. I felt so hopeless. My wrist , bloody , i got sent to the general office.
They cleaned up my wounds and wrapped my wrist with a bandage .I was then on my way to the counselling room. I begged the counsellor to let me go back to class and she gave in and said only if had promised not to do it again. Here's the worst part. I went back to class. So i took off the cloth and cut even deeper , so much so that blood dripped down from my wrist and on to the floor.
My friend saw me doing this when he walked by and he gasped ," Is that real?". And i said casually ," Yep."
The teacher told me to go back to the counselling room.
My counsellor starting tearing up saying that she shouldn't have left me go back to class and this wouldn't have happened. I told her it was all my decision and that she shouldn't have to feel bad.
I told her that i would never make it to 21 years old. And that i wanted to end my life.
I ran away from home a lot while this was happening. i would hang out with older kids that did bad things. Drugs and alcohol. But i never did it with them, I just watched. It was thrilling to watch them get high.
Sometimes i would walk or take the bus from Tampines to Bedok and one time , Whampoa. I would go back home at like 4 am or i'd be out for two days and then i would come back home. My parents were worried. So they made police reports whenever i went MIA. I had to go to the police station twice to confirm about what had happened and that i was okay.
okay im going to continue the story later cause im tired.byebye
