empty thoughts on a wednesday night

chapter 1

I would like to begin this book with saying that I don't know why I'm writing this but I do know why.
I've always been a happy kid, I always thought that I had a decent life but when you're a kid you don't recognise traumas from normal behaviours around yourself .
This books will be anonymously written, I'll refer to myself as Val.

Val was born on a calm night in October, that's all he knows about the day he was born.
He grew up in a community of drug addicts and alcoholics, since his mom was one.
He always felt a sense of disconnection with the real world, he felt like he didn't fit in.
His brown eyes were always shiny with hope, even though he knew, deep down, that he wasn't going to be anyone special in his future.
He had a lot of dreams:
He wanted to be a dentist, a police man, a psychiatrist, a champion.
The first time he realised that the "basic society" wasn't interesting for him, was in the last grade of middle school.
Val was a victim of bullies.
He wasn't bullied physically, but psychologically.
Val is weird. Val smells. Val is gay. He's a faggot. Val is this. Val is that. Val is not one of us.
Everyone in that school wanted to make sure that Val knew that he was not worth of a normal treatment.
They would put his brain in a box, and throw this box around the school.
Val started to think that he was the wrong one after he came home from school and his mom yelled "maybe they're right Val, maybe you deserve this."
From that moment, Val's brain started to change.

Val's parents weren't the best.
His mother was an alcoholic, the same as his father.
Val grew up in a toxic house, with too much expectations put on his back:
his mom only cared about school.
Not even once has she asked about his mental state.
After school Val would go home, and be alone until 6 pm.
During that time he used to go for "adventures", like going into the woods or searching for cool rocks.
His neighbour and his mom were friends, and often they would go to his house to have some fun time.
Val loved his neighbour, he was like an uncle to him.
One thing that Val didn't know was that his neighbour was doing cocaine.
Val wasn't a dumb kid, he knew that what his mom and everybody else was doing around him was wrong.
But that didn't stop him from becoming what he hates the most.

At 12 years old Val smoked his first cigarette. He didn't like the smell of it, nor the taste, but he did it because he thought it was cool.
At 14,  he began to smoke cigarettes almost everyday.
When he smoked, he felt like he could fly.
He felt free.
During that 5 minutes that took him to finish the cigarette, he felt like a bird.
Watching the smoke that flew from his lungs into the air.
Three cigarettes a week became one cigarette every day.
And now, that Val's 15, he doesn't smoke less than 10 cigarettes every day.

He doesn't have the best relationship with his mom, but he loves her.
He'd do anything for her, even if she hurt him a lot.
Val doesn't have a therapist, but he knows that he needs one, and he needs one badly.
He hope that he can change, because he can't go on any longer.