Harry Potter fic - sWITCHED at hogwarts house
Theo and Ivy had been friends for a long time and their dynamic had been pretty clear from early on. Ivy was the good cop and Theo was the bad cop. Ivy was the nice one and Theo was the sinister one. No one questioned that's just how it was.
One fateful day they had both gotten their hogwarts acceptance letter and they had no doubt in their minds they would succeed as the freshest, dopest slytherin/hufflepuff duo. They visited the campus and were ready to magic it up. On the way to British land on the magic train they met some fellow students, Harry Potter, Hermione and Ron. They were friendly but kind of annoying for different reasons so they pretended to be nice to them until they'd get bored and shut the hell up.
Once they got to the school, and the hat ceremony started they weren't nervous at all until the hat spoke and said. "Ivy yous is a snake bitch ssss" ivy almost cried. "Wh-" then the hat moved on to Theo "Theo, you is the nicest little sunshine pie this school has ever seen" A vine boomed was heard as Theo's jaw fell to the ground.
They tried protesting but the hat went over to its hat house in Vegas. So they went to dumbledore. "Dumbledore, this is insane there's no way IM a hufflepuff and IVY a slytherin" Theo expressed. "YEAH" ivy piped up. "Sorry hoes." Dumbledore said in his old ass voice. "The hats never wrong" he shrugged.
"OH YEAH? WELL FUCK YOU, GAY ASS BITCH THIS ISNT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID I KINNED GALE WEATHERS FROM SCREAM 1996" ivy yelled, but FUMBLEdore simply rolled his eyes. "Whore I'm actually gay you're not saying anything new. Anyways pack yo bags and go to your respective dorms"
"Ugh. I guess we better go. Fucking dumblewhore cant even call his own hat" Theo commented. "That's what I'm saying like!" After a bit of whining and avoiding the gryffindors that were ALL annoying they went to their respective houses. When ivy went in they sighed. "I guess it's not all bad it just means I'm a bit more conniving than I thought I was, no biggie" When suddenly they hear the most ANNOYING GRATING VOICE. "I AWCTUALLY BAYLEAVE THAWT POTTAH MOIGHT BE THE HAWTEST BOY IN THIS SKEWL! BUT MY FOTHER CAWNT KNOW OR ELSE HELL BE EMBAHRASSIN ABOUT IT!!" she heard a blonde boy with the voice of a seven year old say. "What the fuck are you talking about, bitch" ivy said as he entered the room. "EXCUSE YEW MOY NAME IS DRACO MALFOY AND IM THE GAY EHMO BITCH BOY OF THIS SKEEEWWL and also I'm british. MY FAWTHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS" he exclaimed. "No he won't cause I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS GET ME OUTTTTT PLEEEEEK" ivy began sobbing on the floor.
When theo arrived to the hufflepuff house and opened the door they were met with a big ass circle of people in the middle of the room. "Hey guys, umm how are you-" "SHUT THE FUCK UP. We are forming a blessings circle where we talk about our feelings and hug every 2 minutes 😌😌🥰🥰😚😚" the hufflepuff dude said. "How the fuck are you talking in emoji" Theo questioned kind of scared. "We are wizards new best friend baseline assume we can do anything" the hufflepuff said. "NOW WHOS READY TO HUG" Theo immediately ran away to the slytherin house.
"AAAAAAAA- oh hi Draco" "ello nawt harry!!!" "Okay. AAAAAAAA-" theo interacted while running away from the human version of the trolls from trolls (2016). Theo was feeling branchy to say the least. After checking every door they finally found ivy kicking and screaming and crying. "WE HAVE TO FIND THAT HAT" Theo said. "I AGREE" ivy.... Agreed. "How do we do that" Ivy asked. They thought for a bit. "DO YOU GUYS NEED ASSISTANCE" Ron, Hermione and Harry busted through the walls of the slytherin house. Ivy and Theo screamed! "how did you break that down... these houses are like built by magic...." ivy questioned after looking at the bogus hole in her fucking wall. "DO YOU NEED A HERO???" They asked desperately.
While ivy mourned her wall Theo talked with them. "No we need information... on the sorting hat. We need to find it." They looked kinda sad. "Ouuuhhh..... well so you want us to do it for yo-" "no shut u-" "POTTAH⁉️⁉️" they all turned to see Draco malfoy looking like he just saw the second coming of Dewey Riley. He fainted. Harry cried "HES SO MEAN TO ME"
"ANYWAYS-" Theo continued. "We just need to find that hat" Theo elaborated. "WELL.. I don't know where it is we just know it has a dope hat house in vegas" Hermione said. "EYO" George said. "I think my brotha George might know something but we don't like to delve into that weird kinky stuff that hat gets up to" ivy raised her brow. "And your brother does?" Ron continued talking. "Maybe Luna knows something she's a ravenclaw bitch raaaa and she's hermiones gay gf so she might have some info!" Theo and ivy looked at each other. They knew what they had to do.
The hufflepuff/slytherin duo went over to the ravenclaw house where the ravens study and shit and it was really quiet. Theo and Ivy spread out to find Luna. When they found her in the weirdo room for weirdos. "Hello Luna! Nice decor!" Ivy complimented. "Do you know where we could find the hat in the hats Vegas house" luna pondered the question for 5 minutes then responded. "No I do know someone who does tho!" she offered. "Who!" Theo asked. "no nose....." Theo and Ivy gasped.
