Heartbreak

Heartbreak

You asked me what I thought of her

As if you wanted my approval

What did you think I was going to say?

"Oh she's the best ever! I love her to pieces!"

Or was it something else you expected

"I hate her. I hate her because you like her."

I honestly don't know what you expected

But it probably isn't what you got

I told you to follow your heart

To see where it leads you

Little did you know,

I was hoping that it would lead you back to me

I have always loved you.

I only ended things because I knew you would leave me

I didn't want to get hurt.

And you know what they say

"You always want what you can't have"

Of course, it didn't work on you

You are my light

And my darkness

You make me whole

Yet tear me apart

I love you

And I hate you because of it

But I still love you

So instead

I choose to hate myself

I can't live another second on this earth

Knowing that you want her

And not me.

You told me you loved not five minutes ago

And now you want my approval of someone else?

I want to grab you by the throat and strangle you

Yet kiss you passionately

I want to let the anger and love consume me

But instead I smile and say

"Love is love. It will work if you make it."

And then

In my room, when I'm alone at night

I will cry

Hugging my pillows closely

And gripping my blade tightly

Whispering the thoughts that whirl through my mind

"I'm ugly. It's why he doesn't want me.

I'm worthless. And he's worth everything.

I'm disgusting. I probably disgust him.

I love him. And he loves her."

And then I will bring forth the blade to my wrist

And slice across my flesh.

Not too deep.

Because I am too selfish to go forever without seeing you.

But deep enough to drown out the pain.

To drown out the words you say

Because each one,

Is like a dagger to my heart.

You're breaking me.

And you don't

Even

Know

It.